Romance as an Oxymoron

If you ask a lot of women, they will tell you that for most men it’s a stumbling, clueless struggle to deal with feelings and emotions. You can call it being too concrete-sequential, too black and white or just plain clueless. For example, a lot of men still don’t understand that sex happens between her ears not…

Many women will tell you that most of us men are sincere but hopeless. We do have feelings if we can get in touch with them…which can be a challenge at times…often times. Women have an unfair advantage over men from that perspective.

I’ve often thought that a good definition of oxymoron is: “Denis as a romantic.

So why did I think I could write a romance novel or inject feelings and emotions into my plays and other forms of storytelling from a female perspective? Perhaps because I’m talking about somebody else; a fictional character that I can create, disassemble, rebuild, and manipulate in a multitude of ways.

In retrospect, I’ve come to realize that most of my novels and plays have a dual track. That wasn’t planning, it’s just the way my mind works. Even my westerns have two characters that found themselves drawn toward one another.  The same was true with ‘Love in the A Shau.’ A coming-of-age story with my perspective on love and affection. And commitment.

All but one of my female heroines were an amalgamation of the women I’ve known.

The only one who came the closest to my wife, Sharon, was Katherine (spelled with a K she will tell you) in my novel ‘Follow the Cobbler.’

Some writers have got it down pat in that very crowded Harlequin world of publishing. Nicolas Sparks has defied the odds. He’s a man writing romance novels and very successfully. The guy is a publisher’s perfect brand. A South Carolina guy with the beautiful wife, perfect children, his and hers Mercedes, and good-looking with charm. Throw in a love of God and the guy is Teflon.

My latest play to be produced in California ‘presented an interesting challenge. ‘Widow’s Waltz’ is a play about two older single gay men looking for love and the challenges they face because of their sexuality. As soon as some of our gay friends found out I was writing such a play, a few of them challenged me and asked: “So how is it that you think you can write such a play if you’re straight and married to the same woman for over fifty years?” My answer was simple and straight from the heart.

I answered: “Because love and loneliness are universal emotions that cross all borders, genders and sexual preferences.” In reality (and as I told the cast after the first table read: “This is a story about two human beings searching for love. The fact that they are both gay is just a nuance to the storyline.”

I got lucky a long time ago and found a teacher who has shown me the true meaning of love over the years. She’s spent a lifetime sharing that love with her children, grandchildren, and the close friends around us. That’s one area where I’m not clueless and can see the universality of her actions.

And as a writer I take great pride in my ability to steal moments, emotions, and intimacy I see all around me in order to seed them in the fertile soil of my story-telling. The emotions I deal with are universal. It doesn’t matter who has them and I’m only the storyteller. With a very good teacher to boot.

Urban I'm Not

I was born and raised in the city of Saint Paul but couldn’t wait to ‘get out of Dodge’ after my discharge from the Army. Old Saint Paul was no place for me or my future. I wanted my space and eventually got it. Yet, surprisingly along the way, I developed a strong interest in urban living, the sprawling suburbs and that place we all call ‘our home.’

Fast forward 50 years and my grandchildren are growing up just five blocks from where I was raised and I love going back into the city to see them. Despite the fact that I’ve spent the bulk of my life in the suburbs, city living still intrigues me. We’ve only owned two homes in our fifty-one years of togetherness, both in the suburbs. The first was a tiny (built on a slab) rambler in Reisterstown, Maryland near my work.

Our second home, where we still live today, is a tract rambler built around 1968 in a third ring suburb called Apple Valley. A little after we moved back to Minnesota, Time Magazine declared that ‘Minnesota was a great place to live.’ I couldn’t agree more.

Despite spending the bulk of my life in the suburbs, I’ve always been interested in real estate from an urban perspective.

Most of my real estate investments were in an urban setting. Owning a couple of apartment buildings in the city made me acutely aware of the policies, procedures, restrictions, and lifestyle choices of my tenants. Over the years I’ve gravitated toward books on architecture, housing, city-living and suburban sprawl.

Now with my favorite source of reading material (Better World Books), I’ve been reading a lot of books about the multitude of changes happening in cities nationwide and worldwide.

Selling the suburbs is nothing new. Back around the turn of the century, major cities like New York, Los Angeles, Philadelphia and Boston were advertising outlying townships away from the grim and chaos of the city. California was one of the first to paint this beatific picture of suburban living.

Over time, that attitude of suburban tranquility has gradually changed and a new attitude of better living in the city has emerged. The literature followed.

Palm Springs has been following the trend of many medium-size communities in re-imagining its downtown core. Over the last several years, new retail, commercial, dining and hospitality spots have sprung up and flourished downtown.

A new central business district in Apple Valley is following much the same trend in reshaping the suburb of old into something more pedestrian friendly and upping its talk-ability features.

This propensity for creating a downtown core is nothing new for the suburbs. While trying to replicate a real downtown is a challenge, the idea of a central gathering spot for its residents is an admirable goal to strive toward.

In a real sense, I’ve got the best of both worlds. I live in the suburbs but can still enjoy city-living and all the amenities that the city has to offer.

My Kids Laugh at Me

I was so pleased when Brian and Melanie traveled to Palm Springs to see my latest play ‘Widow’s Waltz’ being performed at the Script2Stage venue in Rancho Mirage. Sharon and I were able to spend precious time with them. As a family, we enjoyed the play, hosted friends at a special brunch and spent quality time just relaxing and talking.

Of course, before they arrived, Sharon felt compelled to remind me that their life style was different than ours and it would show in a myriad of ways. Generational changes, individualistic attitudes (just as Sharon raised them) and less than modest opinions have compelled both my kids to point out their parent’s sometimes odd behavior (in their opinion, of course.)

For example, dishes are meant for the dishwasher not hand-cleaning. Both my kids pile their dishwashers high with dirty dishes before even thinking of cleaning them. I, on the other hand, don’t mind doing the dishes after every meal. And don’t get me started about our habit of getting to the airport at least two hours early…

One of the biggest ‘no-no’s that I seem to commit each time they visit is to reuse plastic utensils. I’m lectured that those red plastic cups were NEVER meant to be cleaned and reused. My car is supposed to be available 24 hours a day and bedtime would vary depending on current activities and if Brian wanted to watch a late night movie. In other words, our comfortable slower paced senior way of living had to make adjustments for a more active lifestyle of both our kids.

Overall, our time spent with the kids was fabulous and changing our lifestyle didn’t hurt in the least. It made for an enjoyable couple of days and created more memories for us to cherish.

But some things never change and for this Sharon and I are eternally grateful. Both Brian and Melanie have proven to be hard workers, very ambitious and marvelous hosts. Sharon had a special brunch for our out-of-town visitors and some of those folks who helped us with the play. Brian and Melanie hosted the event and pulled it off without a hitch.

Almost every morning, Melanie and Brian would go out to run the mountain trails surrounding our neighborhood. Back in Colorado, Brian has climbed all the 49ers (mountains over 49 thousand feet) in the state. Melanie runs every morning, seven days a week. She has completed numerous races including several marathons.

This passing of the torch and generational changes has been fun, interesting and sometimes frustrating to watch and experience. But as the folkies love to sing, it is just part of the ‘circle game.’ Outdoor activities, exemplified for me by trail running, biking, hiking and distance running has always been a big part of my life.

But now even that torch has been passed on to my kids and grandchildren. Brian and Melanie proved that definitively a couple of years ago.

It’s called ‘C2C’ for those in the know, ‘Cactus to Clouds’ for the rest of us. It’s one of the top ten toughest hikes in North America. It is, by far, the hardest and most challenging mountain climb in the Coachella Valley. A couple of years ago, Brian and Melanie completed ‘Cactus to Clouds’ in just 13 hours, which while not a record, still a remarkable time.

There’s a family argument as to who really brought up the whole topic of C2C. I’m convinced that I did and Brian is just as certain that he found it on his own. No matter, they did it after first talking about it for several years. Back in another lifetime, I desperately wanted to do the climb with my kids but a lack to hardcore training, writing commitments and other distractions prevented me from getting in shape.

Now, what was probably the final conquest of my ever-searching imagination, the C2C, is just another missing notch on my belt of ‘hopeful wishes.’ So I’ll have to file away my three marathons, half of a 50 miler, numerous 10k and 5k races and 45 solid years of pounding the ground and call it my running past.

Thankfully, I’ve still got the Garstin trail among others here in town along with the Triple Crown (The Henderson, Shannon and Garstin loop) to satisfy my weekend jaunts. But C2C, the big one, passed me by.

Oh well, I’ve still got my kid’s pictures to ease the pain.

The torch has been passed.