A History of Man

Photo courtesy of Brett Kolles

Why is it that men can talk about their past, especially of friendships and relationships, and not be threatened by it.  Yet when women converse about their history it seldom wanders back to past relationships. There seems to be a subtle yet overt reticence on their part to go back in time especially when it comes to past romantic involvements.

Historically many men have enjoyed reading biographies, watching the History Channel, CNN or the National Geographic channel. I’m not even going to get into the whole sports – man cave thing here. Past friendships and romantic entanglements comfortably fit into that dialogue. It’s what a lot of men do and talk about…period. 

To be honest, for many men it’s just a part of growing old and in turn perhaps a reticence to let go of their past. It’s remembering clichés like ‘the good old days’ or (please spare me) ‘the best days of their lives.’ It’s high school quarterbacking or dating the prom queen. It’s that first 409 under the hood and adventures abroad that your parents would never approve of. For a few sad men it’s living in the past because their presence isn’t as satisfying.

Yet I suspect that for most men it isn’t a nostalgic trip down memory lane as much as it is an honest reflection on their past lives. I think most men are comfortable looking at their past life experiences, lost loves, job failures, military service, etc. The majority can do so without any fantasies of renewing past relationships, hooking up with or reliving their past. It’s a cursory glance back at… or an examination of…(fill in the blank here) without the baggage of emotional renewals or upheavals about something long since passed…and forever lost in time.

Women don’t see it quite that way. Many of them seem to want remember the past as all warm and fuzzy like a comfortable old angora sweater or a brand new puppy. The past is the past they say and shouldn’t be revisited except under clear skies and puffy white clouds.

My philosophical friend (talked about in my blog: The Only Question to Ask) said his wife often accuses him of living in the past. When he responds that he does spend a lot of time think-ing about his past but feels quite comfortable doing so because his feet are firmly planted in today’s world, she doesn’t buy his explanation.” If you’re satisfied with ‘our life’ together,” she tells him, “then you (he) shouldn’t have to go back in time.”

I tried to explain this observation in MyBootleg Years when I talked about reviewing my own past history from growing up poor and without a father to living the life I am today. It’s neither a nostalgic return in time nor a desire to return to my adventures of yesteryear. Rather it is an antiseptic, analytical analysis of past experiences and what brought me to the point where I am in my life today.

Back in the early nineties, Author John Gray tried to explain that phenomena in his best seller ‘Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus.’ His main theme is that most common relationship problems between men and women are the result of fundamental psychological differences between the genders. The book goes on to assert that each gender can be better understood in terms of the distinct ways they respond to stress and stressful situations.

Something must have struck a chord of interest with readers. Gray has sold over 50 million copies of that and subsequent books. In fact, it spawned a whole treasure trove of books, recordings, seminars, theme vacations, one-man Broadway show, TV sitcom, workout videos, podcasts, men’s and women’s apparel lines, fragrances, travel guides and his and hers salad dressings. Talk about milking a theme in the interest of helping mankind…or just making a buck!

Since then a multitude of books, magazine articles, podcasts, web sites and seminars have tried to further explain this fundamental difference in the genders. I’m sure if I went to TED there would be lectures on the subject there.

Research aside, my friend and I have agreed on one thing. In most normal functioning ways we aren’t like them and they aren’t like us. I’ve visited that difference (in past blogs) in my own relationship as an ISTJ married to an ENFJ…enough said about that.

There seems to be this invisible demarcation line that neither one of us is willing to cross. So it becomes a case of compromise and concern, caring and compassion, acceptance and keeping one’s mouth shut. It’s all the above and that primeval instinct originating from our caveman years that there are just some things we men will never understand about women.

And to be honest I think they like it that way.

The Girl with No Pulse

I met a woman recently at a gallery opening in the Uptown Design District of Palm Springs. She was beautiful, smart and charming. Yet I know absolutely nothing about her … just the way she wanted it.

You’ve probably seen women like her in social gatherings and not been able to distinguish her from any of the other guests around. She’s probably beautiful, stylish and very engaging. Women like that are often moneyed, elite and privileged. They can also be eye-candy, attention-getting and spontaneous. But unless you’re really observant, you’d never know what they are really like because you could never get an honest emotion out of them even if their life depended on it.

They’ll make you a master of the monologue and pretend to care because that way they don’t have to talk about themselves. It’s the perfect protective diversion away from anything that even remotely resembles an honest probe into their lives, their feelings, their emotions and their opinions.

These women have mastered the art of the façade and mixed signals. Whether it’s in films, the arts, politics or business, these women have an image to uphold and a façade to hide behind. They’re in your church, your school and at work. They may have even ‘friended’ you on Facebook. But they collect friends like trophies and don’t know the true meaning of the word. 

Women fascinate me. Always have…probably always will. As a writer, it’s great fun to create a new female character especially if she is a protagonist in one of my novels. They can cover a gantlet of emotions and, Myers-Briggs aside; provide a rich tapestry on which to paint my story.

But one kind of woman, more than any other, has always mystified and confused me. It’s the woman with no pulse. I can never tell what brings on this fear of self-disclosure. Is it low self-esteem or are they just ‘emotionally unavailable?’

It’s quite a feat for these women to do that for most of their lives. Yet I know several folks, especially women who have, for the most part, succeeded quite admirably in doing just that. For them, sharing emotions and true feelings is far too dangerous a thing to do.  Their conversations always remain superficial and always directed toward the other person.

With that in mind, I broached the subject of communication in my novel “Love in the A Shau” when the dorm mother is talking to my protagonist, Colleen, about her relationship with Daniel. Colleen is fearful of opening herself up to Daniel for fear of rejection or judgment on his part. The dorm mother reminds Colleen:

“Remember that the only way to achieve true intimacy with another person is to be open and vulnerable.” Then she goes on to explain that without intimacy, their relationship is all very surface and safe and really just a façade to hide behind.

Of course, to research this mysterious phenomena between the sexes I simply googled it. Not surprisingly there was a plethora of articles covering many different aspects of communication between men and women. One of the more poignant was from John M. Grohol, Psy.D. who wrote an article entitled: “Ten Reasons Why You Can’t Say How you Feel.”

In a way, I feel sorry for those folks with ice in their veins and an empty stove for a heart.

If I thought it would matter, I’d like to tell them: “Oh, come on, have a heart.”

Life is so much nicer that way.

The Mysterious Language of Women

There are two genders (generally speaking) and only one language between them. No matter what country or nation we’re talking about here, there is a verbal way of communicating between the sexes. So why is it so hard for the two species to understand one another?

Women have this strange way of communicating to their male counterparts. It’s a confusing vocabulary some might compare to a foreign language. Except in this case only one of the parties can truly translate what is being said. Over the generations, women have created their own set of hieroglyphics composed subtle words, sighs, gestures and body movements that only their own kind can understand. When verbal language is combined with body language the challenges to find true communication can get even more complicated.

The language of women is rich with subtle hints of the real meaning behind opposite words. It can be a conflicting web much like a matrix where ‘no’ can mean ‘no’ or ‘yes’ or ‘maybe; but let me think about it first.’ ‘Yes’ can mean ‘yes’ or ‘no’ or ‘maybe; let me think about it first.’ You would think ‘maybe’ would be the standard fallback when commitment isn’t desired or an option…not necessarily so. ‘Maybe’ is wide open for interpretation depending on the mood of the woman.  

If cornered in a losing argument, women often fall back to old reliable standards like ‘Just because’ or ‘Just let it go’ or ‘Drop it!’ Each of which can be a genuine roadblock to continue the discussion or argument.

For those of us desperate to figure out just what she meant, there are a number (no surprise here!) of web sites devoted to help the hapless male decipher what the woman is really saying.

Secrets of Women’s Language – Keywords and their meaning

Men’s Guide to Women’s Language

Decoding Women’s Body Language –AskMen.com

I love the description of this last web site. “Unlike women, who are adept at the art of prevarication, most men say what they mean and mean what they say. Their speech is straightforward and to the point.” (For those of you not in the know like myself, prevarication means to deviate from the truth.)     I rest my case!!

Before I was married, I was in two relationships. One was in high school but that didn’t count since I was about as clueless as the lowest mammal on the plant. The second one was in college. I was a little more adept by then in the language of women but not to a great extent. In both instances, there were probably dozens and dozens of subtle hints of impending doom dropped along the way that I never saw. I’m guessing even a dictionary on the Language of Women wouldn’t have helped me back then.

The cliché ‘Only women understand women’ is probably correct on many different levels. Romance novels written by women are speaking to other women. Most men wouldn’t get it. There has been great literature written about women’s issues that have withstood the test of time. The trouble is that they’re not letting men in on the secret.

Yet for all their success in coding or decoding the mystery of communication, women still have some missteps to correct.

TheHuffington Post recently listed 23 things every women should stop doing. Strangely enough, I think some of these criticisms would fit nicely into their inability to communicate without the need for a code-breaker across from them. Just a couple of those flaws include:

Stop apologizing all of the time

Research shows that women do say ‘sorry’ more often than men. There’s no need to quality everything you do. A mistake is just that…now it’s time to move on.

           

Stop putting your looks down

Nothing good will ever come from it. Physical appearances are so subjective that one never knows what is considered attractive to the male species. Heck, they don’t even know themselves.

Stop feeling like an impostor

Start taking your accomplishments at face value. Understand that you did it because of your talent and skills and perseverance. The same as any male.

Stop comparing your real life to someone else’s virtual one

The ‘Real Housewives’… and those sisters are not the real world. That’s a made-up world engineered for the highest ratings and mindless time-consumption. Your real life, as boring as it might seem, is more realistic than theirs.

Holding on to regrets or guilt

Guilt and regret are two emotions that equate with self-poisoning. They do nothing but bring harm to yourself and don’t affect anyone else. So why feel it?

                               

I guess in the end, women are women and men are men. They’re two entirely different species with their own unique strengths and weaknesses. Language will probably always be that missing link that both parties will have to work on strengthening for better communication. For some of us, only time has been that constant teacher in the challenging task of translating just ‘what she meant.’

I’ve only had a couple of serious arguments with my wife over the last forty-two years.  I usually know what caused it and so for her to get mad at me is like falling leaves, silent and unexpected. 

Even retreating back to my standard refrain of “What did I do?” usually doesn’t get me out of the losing end of an argument with her. In truth, about 99% of the time, I know why she is mad and she’s probably right.  And yet she didn’t have to say a word to get her message across.

Amazing!

Dancing with Blindfolds On

If I smile at you, there’s a message there. Perhaps open for interpretation but still a message.

A wink also tells you something.

And if I gave you the middle finger salute, you’d get the point.

Now if I send you a text, you’d have to be able to translate:

            FYI     (For your information)

            IDK     (I did not know) (I don’t know)

            #$        (This is the text symbol for Starbucks)

            511      (Too much information)

            AAYF (As always, your friend)

If I send you an e-mail, you might get my intended message assuming I’ve been succinct enough.

If we go face to face on Skype, we can connect real time and (to a limited degree) read facial features and body language. It’s better than e-mail but doesn’t replace real face-to-face communication.

In the end, face-to-face is the most effective means of communicating. Unless, of course, we’re talking gender differences, generational differences, cultural differences and a myriad of other obstacles to getting our true feelings and thoughts and emotions across to the other person.

Communicating is such an ancient art and yet we still haven’t figured it out.

Most women are better at communicating than men. For most of us men it’s usually black and white. Gray is not part of our color pallet. Yes means yes. No means no. And I don’t know means just that.

What it doesn’t mean is: I have to think about it because I might change my mind whether I want to or not…that’s my right. It’s like static on the radio that one gender can decipher and the other can’t make sense of. Perhaps I’m just the less intuitive of the species but it just doesn’t seem that hard to communicates one’s thoughts. But it can be.

Many old married couples communicate without words or gestures. They know each others' moods, likes and dislikes, preferences and myriad of benchmarks for ‘how things are going.’ Usually she understands before he does.

But some generations before us have had a real problem with basic communications.

My Mother, for example. Raised in a staunch German Catholic farm family, her idea of communication was starkly different than mine is today. Just say German Catholic and there’s a built-in excuse if ever there was one. That one factor (her German heritage) would have been enough to explain things. But then add in small rural community, overpowering Catholic guilt, sexism and lack of education. Now you have all the ingredients for poor to non-existent communications.

My Aunts and Uncles weren’t much better. Their best communicating usually took place during card games. ‘Visits’ were meant to pass the time with safe, innocuous, meaning-less platter that never revealed anything beyond assumptions about the weather, crop forecasts and the latest gossip often generated after mass on Sunday.

Grade school, high school, even college wasn’t much better at meaningful discourse. The teachers lectured. We took notes and then regurgitated back to them via blue books just what they wanted us to hear. The Army wasn’t much different. Only recently have a lot of businesses begun to recognize that employees might actually have something meaningful to say about their business.

McDonalds just spent millions in research to find out that a customer’s first impression of their company comes from the 12-year-old working behind the counter. Seriously!

Then there’s the whole generational thing. Try communicating with a teenager sometime. Good luck with that. Read ‘Ditching my Son in the Amazon’ for my tip on how to enlist the aid of others to deal with this issue.

As I mentioned in my blog (In the Company of Old Men) it’s a challenge forging connections with someone you haven’t seen for over 50 years. Some of these re-acquaintances are content with an occasional coffee every once in a while. Others carry baggage and can’t accept their past for what it was or see the future for what might lay ahead. Some are okay with more frequent meetings. Occasionally someone will come along that you can really reconnect with. 

I’ve got a couple of friends like that. We can pick up wherever we left off and go on from there. They’ve led interesting lives that have always fascinated me. They seem genuinely interested in my writing. It’s always so satisfying to be able to pick up, after an absence of so many years, and just take off with our discourse from there.

I hope I can continue to meet more old friends who are traveling light without excess baggage. Those are always the most fun.

Modern Allegories on Communication:

I once went on a pilgrimage to worship at the altar of a seer. I came for wisdom and advice from this man of letters. But the prophet offered me little more than kernels of wisdom with only a trailing substance of matter.

Yet in my dissatisfaction I realized he had given me a gift. For his words, even in their vacuous state, were nebulous enough to force me to draw my own conclusions and forge my own pathway to enlightenment. His vapid guidance was the spark needed to ignite my own fire inside.

An avatar once invited me to dance but only wanted to stroll. How strange. Why put a line in the water if you don’t want to fish? So sad, I wanted to dance.

I came to educate my grandchildren but they taught me so much more.

As much as we change, we stay the same. The essence of who we are is often masked by the distractions of everyday life.

I hear and I forget. I see and I remember. I do and I understand.

                                                                           Chinese Proverb

FU

No!

It really means Forever Yours.

Denis