During the summer months, I belong to a much larger
gym with enough macho men and women to fill a Fitness Magazine cover to cover.
Most of them have embraced preening like it was some newly discovered art form.
Peacocks roam the floor in droves here.
The act of preening is an amusing exercise in self-indulgence.
Body builders are the most serious…and the funniest. They stand in front of their
full length mirror and admire the magnificent male specimen in front of them.
They ponder their pecs and abs and dorsal fins and then stare down the giant
barbells challenging them. Finally they lunge forward, gripping the barbells
like they were the best part of their girlfriend and hoist them high into the
air. After that brief explosion of self-induced gymnastics, they drop their
weights and go back to admiring their sculptured physique.
Add to that species, the grunters and the groaners
and it becomes high entertainment. I can never tell if that later group is
about to cough up something, clearing their throat of flam or having an orgasm.
Male preening can take on many forms but usually
only serves a couple of functions…most of them self-induced and self-indulgent.
But women are no exception to this category. Long before waxing and
body-piercing and tattoos became the norm, women have sought out ways to
impress the male species. Now men are as guilty of this military maneuver as
are women.
I was talking to my editor about the lengths that some
women go to make themselves attractive to the male of the species. Her
defensive posture was to point out that women are hardly alone in this age-old
quest of self-packaging. She even suggested that I write a blog about the
lengths that we go to to attract the opposite sex.
I was intrigued by her challenge so I began to
investigate this so-called peacock syndrome. Of course, one of the first things
I did was to Google men and man-scaping. The results were hilarious and great
for a gasp or two. So I continued my
search on Google on ways to impress the ladies…or other men.
My research took me to places that only a
physiologist can properly decipher. I kept hearing this tiny voice behind my
ear muttering…’seriously.’ Palm Springs has its fair share of ‘men’s’
magazines. The ads there are hilarious… or would be if they weren’t so serious.
One ad was for waxing services. They can eliminate
hair wherever it can be found; eyebrows, upper lip, ears, nostrils, sideburns,
arms, chest, back, leg and of course the tour de France…the Brazilian. Just why
a man would want to eliminate all that hair is beyond me. But man-scaping is
big business in the valley and on both coasts. So it is with women too. What
ever happened to the ‘natural’ woman?
My recent return (foisted on me by my kids) to a
local hangout for hipsters proved once again that I live in a different world.
As I pointed out in Christmas Redoux,
there were more tattoos gathered around that pool than any Marine barracks or
truck stop diner. Both men and women displayed enough symbols, flower patterns,
Celtic designs and scripts and scrolls to fill a modern-day version of the Dead
Sea scrolls.
This might make sense in the heart of the Amazon
rainforest but it did seem a bit out of context around a clear blue swimming
pool. Of course, my kids were painfully quick to point out that I was the
outsider there, not all the painted ones surrounding us.
The mating game continues to amuse, amaze and
astound me. Catching snippets of ‘the Bachelor’ or ‘Bachelotte’ or any other
match-making series only baffles and confuses me.
Many centuries ago when I was trying to ingratiate
myself into the dating scene I used to think that giving my date choices was
the way to go. I thought I was being thoughtful and considerate. Of course, any
alpha female would ask “how else should it be?”
I’ve
since learned that a lot of women like a man who takes charge and is in
control, telling them where they’re going and what they’re going to do on a
date. They see a man who lets the woman chose as a date with little imagination
and not in control.
I
could never understand those women who wanted a man to take over their lives.
But I think I was often in the minority. That confusion about women has
continued throughout my life and exemplified itself with my blogging. Women are Smarter than Men and The Mysterious Language of Women
There
probably was some preening going on back ‘in the days’ but I was totally oblivious to it. I was
still searching for that magic elixir that would give me the answers to the
wonderful confusing world of women. It turns out the answer was right in front
of me and most other men but we never saw it.
So
I asked my confidant and adviser on all things female. After
gales of uncontrolled laughter, my wife set me straight.
It turns out the way to impress a woman is pretty
straight forward and to the point. Most of it, guys, goes on between her ears
and not elsewhere. At a time when some of our body parts are expanding, heading
south or leaving town entirely all that seems left to impress our intended is
open and honest communication.
“Seriously” I asked, “that was the answer all along.
All I had to do was listen and pay attention to what she was saying…be
interested in her as a person and she would have ‘liked’ me? Will wonders never
cease.
So it turns out that, peacocks aside, just caring is
the simplest answer of all. Of course, there are pills and lotions for just
about everything to help us feel youthful and perform like one again. But the
mind and honest expression is probably the best come-on for almost anyone, male
or female, to hear. And you don’t need a mirror to do it.
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