A Woman's Place

It used to be that a woman’s place was only in the home. There were exceptions, like my mother a single working parent, but very few. That’s changed over time along with the old definition of women’s work. Among my friends there’s now a division of labor which is more the norm. Of course, there will always a few hold-outs clinging to the notion that the ‘old way’ was the best way. But for the most part, logic and common sense have come to prevail.

I do the laundry at home and help house-clean; have for years. My wife handles our personal finances and I manage our investments. I do the yard work and she supervises the household. That routine is in stark contrast to the paradigm of responsibility in which we were raised. Nowadays, it’s a division of labor based on who wants to do what or who is the most qualified to handle it. I find it fascinating that some men still cling to the old standards in lieu of a more reliable, realistic divisions of labor.

I never found it unmanly to change diapers, do laundry or wash the dishes. On the other hand, I wouldn’t trust me to make a meal or manage a dinner party or host an event at our home. In those settings, I’m comfortable following directions and not allowing my ego to get in the way of a real pro (my wife.)

Mom & I

Perhaps it was being raised by a strong-willed, self-sufficient mother that made me comfortable around independent women.  I’ve always had this attraction for ambitious brainy women. Now I’m not talking about a woman’s intellectual capacity per say. That’s a given between the two genders. What I’m talking about is an intuitive second-nature that seems so natural with many of the women I knew and still know today. It’s an understanding of how the world works that sometimes escapes many of the men I know…myself included.

I think it’s in their genes. Perhaps some kind of ancient biological metamorphosis that rendered women better able to process life’s intricacies and then somehow translate them into something that actually makes sense. It’s a skill that not a lot of men possess. Men are too logical and rational. We’re too black and white. The grays get it more often than not.

Like the women presently in my life, I’ve been most fortunate to have had interesting women woven through my past lives. Now I find after all these years there is actually a name for these special kind of women…. Alpha females, who knew?

On the Urban Dictionary web site, the definition of an alpha female is the dominant female in a group. She is intelligent, an intellectual problem solver and a hard worker as well as often busy. Yep, that pretty much describes those women I’ve known and still know today.

I stumbled across another site called Askmen.com. The site had a list of “Six signs that you’re dating an alpha female.” OMG…reading it was like discovering your own Myers-Briggs Personality Profile for the first time. Suddenly a light bulb goes off and many of those incidents, events and actions and reactions on her part actually make sense now…at least from her point of view.

Talk about eye-opening. Where was that information fifty plus years ago when I thought dating was like dancing though a field of clover and it was actually a minefield instead? Right from the beginning the roles were reversed. It wasn’t a fair contest and I didn’t even know it.

You’d think that after stumbling through high school, dating a girl who eventually married a doctor, I would have learned my lesson and dated safer women. Not a chance, the woman I dated in college finished school in three years and ended up marrying a fellow who became department chair at one of the service academies.

Undaunted, I continued my quest and kept seeking out stimulating women whose company I enjoyed…even if they were a challenge sometimes. So what happened to that unsuspecting lamb? I ended up marrying the leader of the pack. Her upbringing and background qualify her for such status that I tried to document it in The Girl with Seven Suede Jackets.

I’m not ashamed to admit that my wife is right about most things 90% of the time. Of course, she would claim 110% all of the time but that’s just her. Does it bother me? Yes and no.

No, it doesn’t bother me. The advice I get from her is heart-felt and usually right on the money. The advice is free and plentiful. Well, not exactly free, I’m married to it and it is OUR money.

Yes, of course, it bothers me.

Its tiring having your spouse always be right. It can be irritating at times especially when the obvious is presented as so rational and logical that only a fool wouldn’t be able to grasp it the first time around.

But that doesn’t make women perfect. Far from it. They can be irrational, illogical, emotional and quick to judge. They can act coy and elusive and consider that being safe. They can give mixed messages and consider it undecided. They can play one against the other and consider it evening the odds.

I’ve known enough women to never underestimate their intuitive nature and ability to see the obvious even if it’s well camouflaged to most men. That’s what I was trying to say in The Dutiful Wife; that women are inherently more intuitive than most men and shouldn’t have to apologize for it.

Smart, brainy women are a cut above the rest and that’s why they populate many of my novels and screenplays. They’re simply more interesting characters with a depth and richness that is fun to mine. Sage was my latest protagonist a cut above the rest.

My wife, daughter and daughter-in-law are among some of the smartest women I know. But even before that I had a thing for women who could hold their own in conversation and life. My weakness continues to this day. I’m still surrounded by smart, intuitive women and I love it.

My wife likes to pontificate that if men were smarter they’d realize that just the smallest of gestures made without any specific purpose or goal in mind is a million times more effective than the expected holiday gift or birthday offering. If men knew or just understood that simple fact, they could get just about anything they wanted.

Yeah, I would agree…except if it’s that simple how come it’s so hard to do?

Now that my granddaughters are maturing beyond their chronological ages, I can already see that they are all very bright and strong-willed. It would not be a stretch to say they are becoming true alpha females, all three of them. I’ve already gone off on that topic in ConstantCharlotte.

I used to worry about my granddaughters when they were old enough to begin dating. Now I worry about their dates instead. Those poor guys won’t know what they’re getting themselves into.

Maybe I could meet them at the door and explain what my granddaughters are really like.

But no, I don’t think so. It took me a lifetime to figure out those kind of women and I’m still working at it.

They’re going to have to figure it out for themselves.

A History of Man

Photo courtesy of Brett Kolles

Why is it that men can talk about their past, especially of friendships and relationships, and not be threatened by it.  Yet when women converse about their history it seldom wanders back to past relationships. There seems to be a subtle yet overt reticence on their part to go back in time especially when it comes to past romantic involvements.

Historically many men have enjoyed reading biographies, watching the History Channel, CNN or the National Geographic channel. I’m not even going to get into the whole sports – man cave thing here. Past friendships and romantic entanglements comfortably fit into that dialogue. It’s what a lot of men do and talk about…period. 

To be honest, for many men it’s just a part of growing old and in turn perhaps a reticence to let go of their past. It’s remembering clichés like ‘the good old days’ or (please spare me) ‘the best days of their lives.’ It’s high school quarterbacking or dating the prom queen. It’s that first 409 under the hood and adventures abroad that your parents would never approve of. For a few sad men it’s living in the past because their presence isn’t as satisfying.

Yet I suspect that for most men it isn’t a nostalgic trip down memory lane as much as it is an honest reflection on their past lives. I think most men are comfortable looking at their past life experiences, lost loves, job failures, military service, etc. The majority can do so without any fantasies of renewing past relationships, hooking up with or reliving their past. It’s a cursory glance back at… or an examination of…(fill in the blank here) without the baggage of emotional renewals or upheavals about something long since passed…and forever lost in time.

Women don’t see it quite that way. Many of them seem to want remember the past as all warm and fuzzy like a comfortable old angora sweater or a brand new puppy. The past is the past they say and shouldn’t be revisited except under clear skies and puffy white clouds.

My philosophical friend (talked about in my blog: The Only Question to Ask) said his wife often accuses him of living in the past. When he responds that he does spend a lot of time think-ing about his past but feels quite comfortable doing so because his feet are firmly planted in today’s world, she doesn’t buy his explanation.” If you’re satisfied with ‘our life’ together,” she tells him, “then you (he) shouldn’t have to go back in time.”

I tried to explain this observation in MyBootleg Years when I talked about reviewing my own past history from growing up poor and without a father to living the life I am today. It’s neither a nostalgic return in time nor a desire to return to my adventures of yesteryear. Rather it is an antiseptic, analytical analysis of past experiences and what brought me to the point where I am in my life today.

Back in the early nineties, Author John Gray tried to explain that phenomena in his best seller ‘Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus.’ His main theme is that most common relationship problems between men and women are the result of fundamental psychological differences between the genders. The book goes on to assert that each gender can be better understood in terms of the distinct ways they respond to stress and stressful situations.

Something must have struck a chord of interest with readers. Gray has sold over 50 million copies of that and subsequent books. In fact, it spawned a whole treasure trove of books, recordings, seminars, theme vacations, one-man Broadway show, TV sitcom, workout videos, podcasts, men’s and women’s apparel lines, fragrances, travel guides and his and hers salad dressings. Talk about milking a theme in the interest of helping mankind…or just making a buck!

Since then a multitude of books, magazine articles, podcasts, web sites and seminars have tried to further explain this fundamental difference in the genders. I’m sure if I went to TED there would be lectures on the subject there.

Research aside, my friend and I have agreed on one thing. In most normal functioning ways we aren’t like them and they aren’t like us. I’ve visited that difference (in past blogs) in my own relationship as an ISTJ married to an ENFJ…enough said about that.

There seems to be this invisible demarcation line that neither one of us is willing to cross. So it becomes a case of compromise and concern, caring and compassion, acceptance and keeping one’s mouth shut. It’s all the above and that primeval instinct originating from our caveman years that there are just some things we men will never understand about women.

And to be honest I think they like it that way.