Great Conversations Don't Just Happen

It was a casual catch-up luncheon with one of our neighbors. The outdoor setting was great with mountain views, blue skies and two pesky roadrunners running around our tables begging for food scraps. But what struck me was the relaxed conversation that seemed to go on forever and that said, without apology. Prices had gone up; staff help was hard to find and it would have been cheaper to stay home and eat there. It was the conversation that made the two and a half hours enjoyable and worth the price.

Great conversations usually don’t happen by accident. That meal at the country club wasn’t planned or choreographed; it just happened. Usually, a great conversation needs interested parties, a relaxed setting, and cerebral mindsets willing to venture through various subject matter. It also needs a social infrastructure where co-mingling not only occurs but is encouraged.

It can happen any place in the world. Perhaps in a pub in Ireland, England, or Scotland with a pint of Ale. Sharon and I had that with Melanie when we visited her in Ireland during her Study Abroad program there.

It can be in a Paris café with a tiny cup of strong black espresso, meant to be sipped for hours on end. I had that in Paris after my sojourn from Denmark. It is the sharing of ideas and facts and history shared with a perfect stranger I’ve never seen again.

Back in the day, families went out on Sunday afternoon to visit other families for conversation and coffee. Intellectuals, bohemians, and the like had their salon. Children and adults sat around the campfire and told stories. My buddies and I loved to go tramping through the woods with good boots and a thermos.

The military has its bullshit and bravado sessions. Workers have their shop talk and techies talk code. Conversations come in every shape, form, configuration, and stated purpose. It can be two friends sharing, lovers intimate cooing and delightful banter about nothing in particular. Coffee shops used to be the ‘go to’ spot for such happenings but now many of them, including a global giant are removing seating inside and just encouraging drive-thru and grab-and-go traffic. Undeterred and with the threat of close contact indoors, I found a solution outdoors.

It started for me about three years ago when my ultra-conservative pool man and I actually found common ground in that swampland called politics. Our sparing back and forth led to some very interesting and revealing (on both our parts) conversations. I thought it would be interesting to try to continue that cerebral banter once I got back home.

My early morning chat sessions began with six friends and associates I simply wanted to talk to. So, I came up with the idea of a C & C; a coffee and chat session. It was always outdoors and usually first thing in the morning before our regular lives took hold of our day.

Then it grew last year with eight and now ten folks whom I meet-up with to chat about anything and everything. It’s neither formal nor structured. Some are only once or twice a summer while others are much more frequently. But they all bring something different to the table.

Different folks, different backgrounds, different perspectives. We’ve managed to avoid talking about politics unless our views are in close alignment. Even then I’d rather talk about something fun, enjoyable, stimulating, thought-provoking or satisfying.

These sessions are different from the ones I had around Dinky town many years ago. They aren’t the other legendary gathering spots like the Blue Moon Tavern in Seattle, The Neutral Grounds in New Orleans or Civilization in Cleveland, Ohio but their content is the same. A place to meet, share thoughts and ideas and feel comfort in the security of honest conversation with a friend. Life’s too short to go without either one.

Palaces for the People

I’ve often rambled on about the ‘old men in the coffee shop.’ Unfortunately, or not, I have categorized them as a group of individuals who seldom listen, often interrupt and usually talk about their world in disparaging ways. This is not my kind of salon in any sense of the word. But if they’re happy with their verbal pursuits, all the more power to them.

These informal gathering spots are usually organic in nature. The shop opens, customers discover its relaxed atmosphere and friends are made and reinforced each week. It might be at a coffee shop, a bookstore, the Guitar Center, a nearby gym, or other gathering spots for like-minded individuals. Turns out, those old men at the coffee shop may be really into something. Their gathering around the coffee urn is a rather microscopic way of talking about social infrastructures.

A book called ‘Palaces for the People’ defines social Infrastructure’ as any place where civic engagement and social interaction take place. This includes public institutions like libraries, schools, playgrounds, parks and athletic fields. On a more personal level it could include coffee shops, street corners, courtyards, community gardens, and other green spaces.

Liquid refreshments are often at the core of other countries ‘third places and social infrastructure. The Germans have their beer halls. The French have their cafes. The Japanese have their izakaya’s and karaoke bars. Robust social infrastructure doesn’t just encourage social exchange, it can contribute to economic growth.

New York City has its High Line in lower Manhattan. The Beltline in Atlanta, Georgia is developing slowly but will ultimately repurpose a twenty-two-mile rail corridor circling the city into thirty-three miles of trails, as well as a string of parks, public artworks, and affordable housing projects.

Back in the 50s and 60s, the Twin Cities had its own version of social infrastructure around the University of Minnesota. Dinkytown and the West Bank were havens for the disenfranchised, disconnected and slumming students looking for a taste of ‘real life.’

Gathering spots around Dinkytown like the Ten O’Clock Scholar, the Purple Onion and The Extempore hosted a wide swath of students, Folkies and the mildly curious. The West Bank took it down a notch with dive bars, rooming houses and the holy grail of the bohemian mindset; the Triangle Bar.

My perch from which to explore this flip side of young adulthood was a rundown tired mansion on University Avenue. It had long since been turned into a rooming house / apartment building with dwelling units (if you could call them that) carved out of once posh showcase housing.

My history at the Triangle Bar was documented in one of my first novels ‘Love in the A Shau.’ The activities, discussions, schooner beer ventures and tokin' among friends all took place there for my protagonist Daniel and myself.

I was going through my ‘wanna be a hippie’ stage at that point in my life. Working two jobs, I found in the Triangle Bar, Art Theaters and writing poetry at night, a respite from the confusion still plaguing my wondering / wandering mindset. At this stage in my life, I no long have the Triangle Bar but I’ve got something just as good and more age-appropriate. My ‘third place’ has morphed into what I call my coffee and chat sessions.

The ‘third place’ is a setting beyond home and work; a place where people relax in good company and do so on a regular basis. Its origination is usually organic in nature, impromptu and unplanned. Folks start to talk to one another; thoughts and ideas are exchanged and those conversations morph into a pleasant experience for all the participants.

Now I’ve moved beyond that to my own third place and I’m loving it.  My third place began at Dunn Brothers but has now moved to my back porch, park settings, lake fronts, park shelters, etc. COVID-19 was the catalyst for this change. When meeting indoors was risky, I decided to test the outdoors instead. I’ve never looked back.

My Coffee and Chat sessions have grown over the last couple of years into something very special for me and my participants. My age group, especially among men, often times have limited resources for the kind of cerebral salon I find so inviting. There are just some subjects that men are more comfortable discussing among their peers even more so than with family and casual friends. The conversations can be deep, shallow, personal, impersonal, irrelevant, stupid, silly, crude, gross and ‘you were talking about what?..... but always engaging. And that’s the whole idea, an environment where folks can talk to intimates and never have to apologize for the subject matter.

Different folks, different backgrounds, different perspectives. We’ve managed to avoid talking about politics unless our views are in close alignment. Even then I’d rather talk about something fun, enjoyable, stimulating, thought-provoking or satisfying.

My friend, Bob, in California, loves to talk about his current writing projects and me about mine. We’ve found that our sharing critiques are really helpful in bringing a fresh perspective to any current project of ours. My friends back home bring a plethora of similar life experiences to our vernacular mix.

It may have taken me a lifetime to find pleasure and great value in cerebral discourse and exchange but I’ve got it now…and it’s a hoot.