Sophia Gets It

Four-year-olds are a lot more intuitive, introspective, and understanding than most adults give them credit for. That includes a lot of well-meaning parents who don’t want to rush their toddlers into the ‘real world’ too soon. The fact is, children as young as three and four may not understand the emotions of anger, fear, pain, and loneliness but they do feel them nevertheless.

What parents might consider ‘adult emotions’ are felt just as strongly and deeply by toddlers as their older siblings. While they may not be able to verbalize those feelings, they are present and should be recognized for what they are; real emotions. Waleed, my skinny hippo, seems to have struck a chord of understanding with that age group. Now a four-year-old and a Ph.D. have lent validation to that fact.

This summer, I had the opportunity to talk to Dr. Sharon Bergan, professor of early childhood education at Dakota County Technical College. She had been introduced to my children’s series, ‘Waleed, the Skinny Hippo’, and loved the storylines in both books.

During our conversation, Dr. Bergen educated me on the subtle nuances that adults often misread or misunderstand about their children. It turns out that toddlers ‘get it’ a lot more often than we give them credit for. Kids are often a lot more insightful than they might seem on the surface.

I got validation of that theory first hand from a friend of mine. His first grandchild, Sophia, is a real fan of both my ‘Waleed’ children’s books. After her initial introduction to the skinny hippo, Waleed became the ‘go to’ book whenever Sophia came to visit grandma and grandpa.

This validation by Sophia was particularly gratifying because I had felt when I began writing the series that I wanted the little insecure hippo to tackle adult feelings and emotions that are usually not addressed in most children’s books.

That particular deep-seated prejudice on my part stemmed from the way I was treated as a child growing up. The adults around me, most of them staunch rural German Catholics, saw children as labor around the farm, chore boys, and household help. These purveyors of the old way of doing things saw no value in young minds until they’d been indoctrinated by the church, school and authorities. ‘Dick and Jane visit the farm’ was not the approach I was going to take in telling my story of this skinny insecure hippo.

Book one was a rather simple story of a hippopotamus that wasn’t like all the other hippos. Waleed was skinny and feeling very unsure of himself because of his slender physique instead of the robust form of the other hippos. Gradually, the story evolved into a children’s moral tale or fable with a wise old fish, indifferent fellow hippos and one sad little guy.

Book Two took the same kind of projection. It covered the theme of ‘facing one’s fears.’ Both ‘being different’ and ‘facing one’s fears’ were emotions I felt at a very young age but never had an adult who could explain them to me. Meeting with Dr. Bergen was very helpful in terms of my understanding the child’s mind at that early stage in life.

Dr. Bergen reminded me that Waleed like Sophia only think of themselves at this stage in their development. First me, then others. So, my goal in telling both stories was to educate Waleed but also to think of others. Dr. Bergen encouraged me not be afraid to use big words. She said it would not intimidate children like Sophia.

The most interesting part of our conversation were her suggestions for future themes in the Waleed series. I’ve outlined in very rough form some of the thoughts Dr. Bergen shared with me that day.

Sadness

Events where a child might feel sadness include a grandparent passing, a pet is lost or dies, divorce, moving away and leaving friends, can’t have that toy. In these instances of a child feeling sadness, the response from a parents should be: It’s okay.  I get it.  Happiness will return but perhaps not right now. This event might tell the child how important that thing/item/person/event is to them in their lives.

Anger

Teaching about anger can lead to social justice. Parent tell child that it is okay to be angry. They can say: Use your words to express your feelings. Get them out. Understand what it is (person, incident, event) that makes you feel this way. Now, what can we do with that energy (of being angry.)

Connections

It can be hard if you want to join a group or make a new friend. Ask an adult to help make those connections.  Be brave. The way to make connections might be to help others, join a group. It can be scary but you must keep trying. It is okay to take a chance, take a risk that someone will not be nice to you in return or may not want you to join the group. But you MUST keep trying to make connections. Take a chance even with the fear of failure.

Failure

Everyone feels the fear of failure. Failure is a part of life. It is better to have tried and failed than to never have tried in the first place. No one will ever ‘not fail.’ Anything worth doing, pursuing, trying to achieve is worth the chance of failing at attempting it. Failure is NOT the issue. How one handles failure is the more important thing to know and understand.

When I’m ready to begin a third book in the Waleed series, I think my theme will be ‘being kind.’ There’s a plethora of examples that should lend themselves to some very colorful visual images.

1. Being kind
1. Helping others
2. Thinking of others
3. Lending a helping hand
4. Caring for someone else
5. Being aware of other’s feelings
6. Being supportive in their time of need.

My goal, as always, will be to help the young reader identify with my Waleed character much like readers identified with characters in the Harry Potter series and creatures created by Dr. Seuss. I’ll be trying to find more Sophia’s out there to discover my favorite little hippo.

Mind Cures

Like so many young people of my generation, I was swept up in the popular trends of self-help back in the sixties and seventies. Those champions of mind-control, critical analysis and self-direction seemed to have the answers to all those questions bouncing around inside my head.

From a hip ghetto priest to a Mexican shaman to a wealth-analyzing rabbi, I was buying the whole package. I wanted to be rich and successful, or so I thought, just like everyone else around me. There was religious advice, medicinal advice, and common-sense advice; all packaged in easily readable chapters. About the same time, reel-to-reel audio tapes grew in popularity and whole audio packages were tailored to the consuming public eager for ‘the answer’ to success.

Yet even before that ‘something new’ packaging caught the public’s attention; I was aware of such classics as ‘Think and Grow Rich’ by Napolean Hill from 1937. Examples before that like Horatio Algier and other champions of Great Depression cemented that picture of young entrepreneurial men seeking the golden ring of life.

The 1980s saw a rebirth of that theory of mind over matter with champions of the cause like Zig Zigler, Brian Tracy, ‘Don’t sweat the small stuff’ and ‘Chicken soup for the soul,’ etc.

Back in the eighties, while marketing my own video productions, I toyed with the idea of adding a whole new line of self-help books and tapes to my distribution channel. Unfortunately, the competition was fierce and I didn’t have the capitol available for that side venture. So, I remained a buyer instead of a seller.

So, while the basics of a good work ethic was always there, these new approaches seemed much easier and more appealing. Guess I wasn’t the only one sucked into that cauldron of ‘something for nothing.’

Truth is, this capitalistic stance of ‘too good to be true’ and ‘gotta have’ material goods has been around since the first caveman found a pedestal upon which to preach. What’s interesting is that its most current revival began back in the late 1800s. From a recent reading of ‘Land of Desire,’ a history of Merchants, Power, and the rise of a new American Culture’ I gleamed a fascinating insight into the growth of the self-help movement in American beginning in the 1870s.

“Psychologist William James first called attention to the mind-cure movement in a notable way in his 1902 book ‘The Varieties of Religious Experience.’ The term had already been in vogue before, but James secured its place in history.

Mind-cure groups, he observed, consisted of several religious sects that maintained that men and women could, merely by acts of will and conviction, cure their own diseases and create heaven on earth.

Mind curers were also described as “new healers” or, later, as positive thinkers; they were more in touch than traditional religions with what was going on in America; and they proved more creative in taking advantages of new spiritual opportunities. Translation: a buck to be made.

The mind-cure groups grew out of the great religious turmoil of the 1870s and 1880s, a turning point in American religious history that not only saw the advent of many homegrown religious sects (from Ethical Culture to Jehovah’s Witnesses) but marked the decline of the preeminence of Protestantism, its earliest splintering into modernist and fundamentalist camps, and the rise of other religious communities and ideas.

Where there’s a will and a way, and in capitalistic America, money can be made with the informed offering something’ new’ to the uninformed. There were few counter-balances back at the turn of the century who were willing to shout their concerns into the wind. One of them was Thorstein Veblen, one of America’s most original economists of his time.  While he agreed that ‘the ancient Christian principles of humility, renunciation, abnegation or nonresistance had been virtually eliminated from the moral scene, he did not agree that the new capitalist world was ensuring abundance for all.’

Veblen despised this new class of business broker for shifting the economy away from making useful goods to making money or profit. These new brokers, he argued, ’knew nothing about workmanship but everything about profit, volume turnover, and the chemistry of wishes.’

Mulling over that history lesson harkens me back to my grade school years and all that indoctrination from my teachers and the adults around me. Those were the lessons of hard work, determination and some luck in finding success in life. Two different sets of directions to the road to success. While I bought into some of the positive mindset commandments, I never believed that Las Vegas crap tables, flipping old houses or gold bullion were the answers for me. It always remained balanced investments, budgeting, and a realistic lifestyle for Sharon and I.

2008 saw another blip in the ‘road to easy success’ with adjustable-rate mortgages, buying on credit, nothing down, etc. (same game plan – same result). Lately, it’s been flipping real estate, Bitcoin, ATFs, Robinhood and other exotic money-sucking ventures; all the newest versions of ‘spin the bottle.’ Something for nothing, easy way out, let someone else have the control and do it for you.’

Today’s latest high priest of mind cure unwraps itself under the banner of mindfulness. The biggest difference between then and now seems to be an appreciation for the ever-present simple things we all possess. It’s a present-day, realistic attitude for the gift of life itself. It’s an inward focus on self and one’s own control there-in verses outside influences that usually come at a cost or words from the pulpit that simply echo ancient voices of our for-profit past.

If I Married Up, Did She Marry Down?

I’ve never hesitated to admit that I married up. Does that mean she married down?

Having been around the block more than a couple of times, I’ve come to several inalienable truths. One is that Sharon married me, I didn’t marry her. Two, I had no idea what I was getting into…. or that it was going to be that good.

I’ve often thought that one of the great mysteries of life is how and why people get married and stay together. What secret combination or chemical ingrediencies were present that cemented their relationship for so long. It isn’t something that’s commonly talked about. I’m guessing a lot of couples haven’t really given it a lot of thought themselves.

I’m a writer and I find the social dynamics of relationships fascinating as heck. More than a once, some friend in my C & C circle, has made the comment (always casually) that they had married up. It’s stated as an observation that over the course of their marriage, they’ve come to realize that they won the lottery and didn’t know it at the time.

For me, it wasn’t love at first sight or curling toes or shortness of breath that signaled a life-altering change on the horizon. It was simply a comfort level, a sense of safety and vulnerability at the same time that said she was the one. At a certain point, we both knew it and Sharon, being Sharon, acted on it before old stumble bumble did.

Adding to the complexity of our relationship, was the question (never addressed) of opposites attracting. If there was ever a sterling example of this phenomena, it was Sharon and I. She is an ENFJ, to the extreme and I’m an ISTJ, off the charts. Simply stated, Sharon is an extrovert who loves people, company, group interactions, etc. I am happiest by myself and/or in a quiet environment. ‘Quiet time’ is precious to me. Then there’s the equation of the ‘alpha female’ phenomena.

At some point in my writing journey, I came across the phrase alpha female and was sucker-punched by its definition. It fit Sharon to a T as did her Myers-Briggs personality category of ENFJ. An ENFJ is described as the protagonist; charismatic and inspiring, able to mesmerize their listeners. On the other hand, as an ISTJ, I’m described as the logistician, practical and fact-minded, whose reliability cannot be doubted. More thorough descriptions of these two personality traits solidify the fact that they define Sharon and myself perfectly. Whether or not, that’s good or bad, can be someone’s judgement call. I would simply say: “Yeah, that’s us!”

The divergent interests we have are remarkable. We have very different tastes in music, reading material, the movies, etc. She loves to talk politics; it makes me gag. She is generous to a fault, me, not so much! Fortunately, what we do have in common are all the basics; a passion for education for ourselves, our children, and grandchildren. A common-sense approach to money management, lifestyle, and distain for status symbols. We don’t care much for material possessions or any accoutrements of wealth or status or prestige. What you see is what there is; simple as that.

Interestingly enough, one of the most common misunderstandings about an alpha female is that they would never marry someone their equal. Actually, the opposite is true. An alpha female has too much pride and self-assuredness to marry someone less than herself. With their high emotional intelligence, natural tendency to take on leadership roles, unflinching faith in their purpose and beliefs, an alpha female knows what she wants and isn’t afraid to go after it. Their insight often leaves the rest of us ‘who knew’ souls far behind.

Thus, an alpha female would never marry down because it wouldn’t fit her personality. She must see her mate as her equal in the greater scheme of life’s order.

Lucky me.

The Price of Health

Perhaps a better title for this blog might have been ‘Monetizing Health for Fun and Profit.’ Who knew there’s money to be made in clogged arteries, fat bellies, weak knees and failing eyesight. Never one to miss an opportunity to make a buck in our capitalistic society, businesses of all sizes, shapes and forms have now realized that for many of us ‘health is wealth’ and they mean to capitalize on it big time.

To be honest, I came to the same conclusion about health a long time ago. Material possessions lost their luster, what little there was of it, and were replaced by something far more valuable and priceless. Health became paramount and without it everything else paled in comparison.

At any age, all the money in the world doesn’t mean a damn thing if you don’t have your health. And as wealthy as some folks are, few of them can buy their way back to health once it’s gone.

In retrospect, I’ve been very lucky. I think I’m in fairly good shape simply because I started running early on and never stopped until I was well past 70. After one foolish weekend in the service, I stopped drinking and haven’t had a drop of hard liquor in over 60 years now. I’ve never smoked (Okay, that weed doesn’t count during my wannabe hippie years), and I’ve maintained my weight pretty well.

‘Later in life’ issues often prompt a reflective glimpse back in time. The famous Irish poet Oscar Wilde once said, “The final mystery is oneself.” So how does one unravel the mystery of self? It probably can’t happen without self-awareness and self-awareness won’t happen without reflection. If reflection tells you to change your lifestyle, all you have to do is open your wallet.

Reflecting back on events in one’s life can bring about new insights into your present circumstances.  Health more than most other events can bring that to the forefront. To that end, a whole new category of businesses is catering to those seeking physical and mental rejuvenation and restoration.

Drug companies seem to be at the forefront of prescribing chemical compounds for all sorts of ailments and shortcomings.  A little pill or chemical injection in your body and the weight just seems to fall off. No dieting, no exercising, just get juiced up and let the guilt of being over-weight fade away with each television sitcom watched. Personally, I think it sounds like investing in bitcoin and letting the money roll in. But, that’s just me, a doubter.

The variety of commercial enterprises seeking to help with one’s health is quite astounding. When Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop line can be found in Target stores and on Amazon, you can bet the wellness trend has gone mainstream. The Global Wellness Institute (GWI) has estimated that:’ the wellness economy is worth $6.3 trillion globally and is set to hit $8.5 trillion by 2027.’

The wellness real estate market is also growing by leaps and bounds, even beating out wellness tourism. Some see it as a kind of wellness Disneyland where thermal bathing blends in naturally with family-friendly water-based activities. Most of these new health resorts and lodgings will feature both ancient and contemporary treatments – from acupuncture to IV vitamin cocktails along with a ready mix of well-being practitioners, fitness trainers, and health coaches, all promising personalized care for mind, body and spirit. What’s not to like; if you have the money to pay for it.

For the rest of us, there’s still hope. As the cliché goes, it’s never too late to begin over again. Wellness resorts aside, I think one can have their own personal maintenance program with diet, simple exercising and relaxation. When my mother and stepfather couldn’t dance anymore at ages ninety and eight-two respectively, they took up cards to strengthen their minds. I didn’t recognize it back then but their actions were a powerful motivator for me to keep pressing on.

Assessing what is important at this stage of one’s life really comes down to the basics. Health, family, friendships and life experiences. All the rest is soon to be outdated, worn out or soon to be replaced by next season’s newest trend.