My friend is thinking about death and dying. Not in a
fatalistic or pejorative way but rather as an objective and reflective exercise
in self-examination and future planning.
He’s going on a retreat this weekend. He’s been doing it for
over 30 years. It provides him the perfect environment to help cleanse his
brain of sundry matters and just focus for a long weekend on those issues in
his life that really matter.
He’s been very successful in business, has been married to a
wonderful woman for over forty years, great kids and grandchildren. He
mentioned just casually he is also thinking about his life; taking a personal
inventory and recognizing that there are less years left than when he was
younger. He isn’t being fatalistic or a downer, just being realistic about his
life as it is.
We agreed that we’re both at that stage in our lives where
we don’t have much if anything left to prove. We’ve either done it or we
haven’t. I wish I had done a few more things in my life but I didn’t. I wish
some things had turned out differently but they didn’t. So be it. No apologies
are necessary.
We agreed that we’re both old enough to see some things
cycling around, coming full circle back into our lives. It’s really true that
over time what goes around comes right back again. I guess it’s all part of
that circle of life.
There is a movement in some of my city neighborhoods to
bring back chickens. And chicken coops are sprouting up in a number of
backyards. My friend has a picture of his father in his old neighborhood back
in the 30’s standing around a backyard of chickens.
We talked about streetcars coming back and new-fangled
contraptions called streetlights to brighten our downtown streets at night. A
new University open-air stadium was built on campus last year. It replaced the
domed stadium which only 17 years before had replaced an open-air stadium at
the same University
I was raised in the city and couldn’t wait to get out of it.
Now young couples are flocking back to the very neighborhood I fled forty years
ago.
It got me to thinking. Does that mean that my circle of life
is almost complete? Is my thirst for….just an excuse in futility because who
cares anyway? I hope not. There’s still so much to do and who knows how much time
to do it.
I’ve talked about meeting my old high school classmates in
my blog “In the Company of Old Men.” I mentioned how shocked I was to see that
a number of them had passed on. It feels very strange to look at an alumni
picture book, spot an old high school chum and then read the caption: Deceased.
It leaves an unsettled feeling in your stomach. And you don’t know if you
should be looking over your shoulder for that shadowy figure in the black shawl
anyplace close.
There are so many inconsequential ways to spend the rest of
one’s life. I don’t want to spend countless hours shopping for groceries just
because I’ve got the time to do it. Or sit with other old men in the coffee
shop, bitching about anything and everything. I don’t want to travel just to
keep moving or get a job just for something to do.
Role models are hard to find. I only know of a couple of
older folks who are still active and alert and pleasant to be around. But the
few I know are an inspiration for someone anxious to ‘do what I’ve always
wanted to do’ and then some.
There are thirty plus books in my office that I haven’t read
yet and if I count those books in my library that I’d like to revisit again or
just review, I’d be page-locked for the rest of my life.
I will continue to seek out and welcome past acquaintances
who want to share the good and sometimes not so good memories of a time since
pasted. I’ve done it with several high school friends and it’s brought laughs
and sighs and subtle nods.
Both my kids have promised to tell me when I’m acting like
an old person. The trouble rests with their definition of getting old. Melanie
thinks that my blog ‘Growing old with out underwear’ was simply TMI (Too much
information). I guess I’ve failed to make my case to her. She says the first
thing to go are the social graces.
So either my assumptions are correct and I just haven’t yet
been able to communicate my thoughts and ideas in that area. Or my kids are
right and I am getting old without even realizing it. In either case, as I
ponder my predicament, I found the following quote that pretty much says it all
for me.
Risk
To reach out is to risk involvement
To expose feelings is to risk exposing your true self
To place your ideas, your dreams before the crowd is to
risk their loss
To love is to risk not being loved in return
To live is to risk dying
To hope is to risk despair
To try is to risk failure
But risks must be taken because the greatest hazard in life
is to risk nothing
The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing
is nothing.
He may avoid suffering and sorrow but he simply cannot
learn, feel, change, grow, love, live…
Chained to his certitudes, he is a slave
He has forfeited freedom
Only a person who risks is free
Anonymous
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