Marrying Up

My friend was aghast when I suggested that some men marry up. He found it hard to believe that any man would be attracted to woman far more accomplished than himself. Whether it be in education, the social graces, or any other tool for maneuvering about the world we live in. The idea that any male would marry a female smarter, more socially adept, and defter at the daily chores of life was a strange new concept to him.

He then went on, in detail, to explained to me how he and his wife were quite equal and complimented each other in every way. Sounds like a new sit-com: ‘The Brady Bunch and ‘Father Knows Best’ get married.

To lower the temp a bit, I quickly backtracked. Not because I felt I was wrong but because I didn’t want to offend my friend. He had married well. So had I. I guess it was just my semantics that had thrown him off and raised his defenses. But my proof rested in fifty-four years of togetherness, two wonderful children and five equally wonderful grandchildren later.

To clear the air with him, I tried to clarify my position. There was, indeed, a balance between my wife and myself but it certainly wasn’t equal…in every way. Instead, it was a balance between two strong personalities (ISTJ verses ENFJ) and (I never told him) ‘not’ a case of plain vanilla symmetry.

For example, I’m inherently cheap (I like to color it ‘thrifty smart’). On the other hand, my wife isn’t reticent to spend money. She likes to meet new people and try new things. I don’t but I don’t mind going along with her wishes. She likes to be in charge (Alpha Female personality.) I usually don’t care about most sundry everyday decisions of our day-to-day living. My focus is elsewhere. I’m not afraid of strong women. In fact, I admire them. She is a very strong woman!

Fortunately, when it comes to our core values, we are both in total sync. Whether it is the value of education, personal development, financial goals and objectives or the vapid nature of material goods, we speak the same language.

The internet is replete with articles about how to marry the right person. There are guidelines, benchmarks, tests, and self-evaluations to see if marrying someone older than yourself will work out, if mixed religions can flourish together, if cultural and ethnic backgrounds make a difference.

Some guidelines make a lot of sense: Don’t marry potential. Choose character over chemistry. Don’t neglect the emotional needs of your potential partner. Avoid opposing life plans. Avoid a lack of emotional connection. Pay attention to your own emotional anxiety. Beware of avoiding personal responsibility. Finally, watch out for a lack of emotional health and availability in your potential partner.

And yet once you’re done with all the graphs and charts and guidelines and rules, there can still be this inexplicable, unmistakable, hard-to-define connection. And even after many years and countless miles traveled together, the connection can still be there. It happened to my mother, widowed for thirty years, and meeting a like-minded soulmate late in life.

How many people marry up and don’t even realize it? It certainly wasn’t intentional on my part. It just so happened that Sharon had many of the qualities that I was lacking… who knew? An ISTJ marries an exact opposite. Talk about disparate ends of the personality spectrum. Yet after fifty-four years of marriage, we still find similarities as well as differences that define our relationship. Besides, I’m not sure I’d want to be married to someone like me…nay, probably not.

Both my son and daughter found spouses who share their interest in the important things in life but also balanced them out. Their spouses compliment my kid’s their idiosyncrasies and shortcomings. Yes, I can say that, I’m their father.

Finding the right spouse can sometimes be a crap shoot or just the right combination of luck and timing. My high school girlfriend married a doctor right out of college. That seemed to fit her personality. My college girlfriend married a fellow who became a professor at one of the service academies. That also seemed like a good match for her personality and needs.

Then, through a curious combination of timing, placement, and karma, I began dating my future wife. Our backgrounds were quite different. I was a city boy dating a farm girl. I like Bob Dylan and the Beatles. She was more into smooth jazz and Frank Sinatra. I like smart sophisticated women. But this was a woman whose level of sophistication was far superior to my own. In fact, an Alpha Female who was as comfortable in the classroom as she was in the boardroom.  On the surface, someone totally out of my league. Beneath the surface; just the same. So why has it worked out so well for so long?

Fortunately, I’ve never let my ego get in the way of a strong female companion. It must be tough being married to men with large egos. Who would want to be known as the ‘little woman back home’? Even Don Draper’s wife Betty grew tired of that moniker and finally threw him out.

So, marrying up, although unplanned, has worked out pretty well for me. Although a curious mixture, it’s a chemistry that works for us even if it still requires patience, tolerance and understanding.

I’m still working on those attributes. And probably will be for the rest of our lives.

Doesn't Need a Man in Her Life

‘Need’ is the operative word here. I’m talking about the kind of woman who makes some men very uncomfortable. The last thing you’d dare call her is the ‘little woman,’ ‘wife of’ or ‘other half.’ She is herself; totally herself without apology. Most men get it; some poor souls don’t.

As a novelist, playwright and screen writer, it’s my job to create, imagine and paint colorful picture-stories of women that readers want to read about. They should be real, provocative, mysterious, and honest to the real thing.

For example, I’ve tried to do this with my ‘Debris’ trilogy. There’s Natalie, a semi-butch lesbian, Juliet, who turns out to be bi-sexual, Millie, an aging Hollywood star, Miranda, a victim of incest and a host of other (I believe) real world women. Yet, as often as I try to paint an honest portrayal of a real woman, I find myself falling back into my most comfortable, familiar refrain.

It’s like in Greek mythology where sirens, half-bird, half-woman creatures, lure sailors to their death with their enchanting, irresistible songs. Their beautiful, yet deceptive, melodies play in my head as well and cause me, along with those mariners, to lose our minds and sail the ships into the rocky shores of the Sirens' island, causing us to drown.

Fortunately, or unfortunately, I find myself almost always gravitating toward a singular profile for my female protagonist. What can I say; I’m prejudice in the best kind of way. Through my writings, I’ve made no secret of my admiration of and attraction to independent, strong-willed women who are confident enough in themselves and their own abilities that they don’t need a man for any kind of affirmation.

I have absolutely no idea where my fascination with strong women came from? My mother was a strong-willed woman but never in a demonstrative way; German Catholics seldom are. It wasn’t the other woman in my life; aunts, nuns, female classmates, someone in the church pew ahead of me.

In my younger years, the women I’d been involved with all fit that criteria in one manner or another. Until the day, one came along who wore that crown like it was custom-tailored for her. Fifty-three years later, it still fits despite two personalities that couldn’t be more different in so many ways.

One of the Seven Wonders of the World is how an ISTJ (off the charts) married and learned to live with an ENFJ (off the charts) for fifty-three blissful years. An introvert and an Alpha Female navigating the ups and downs of communal living with all the baggage of kids, mortgages, careers, etc.

My own experience living with an Alpha Female means that most of the time she gets her way, mainly because I don’t care!  So, it’s eighty percent of the time (she’d argue it should be 125%) that her way dictates our lifestyle. Surprisingly (or not), this unplanned arrangement fits our opposite personalities and causes no problem. Seriously! It’s the other twenty percent that gets interesting.

The other ten percent where we can’t agree means that nothing gets done until some kind of compromise is reached. That stalemate can last days or months. Some have never been resolved and we’ve managed to survive as a happy couple. The final ten percent is the most important ingredient to our marriage success.

Without any preplanning, real discussion, or analysis before we got married, Sharon and I have (most fortunately) found ourselves in complete agreement on several core issues paramount to our lives. This includes little interest in material goods, current status symbols and any other cha-chas that announce ‘we have arrived.’ Neither one of us is afraid of hard work, monetary sacrifices, and common-sense dictates in raising our children.

Of all those things, large and small, that are important to both of us, education is at the top of that list. As mentioned in a past blog ‘Origins of Birth,’ education is the gift that keeps giving for us, our children and grandchildren. I hope it continues to be the standard of excellence of all of us long into our future.

As far a living with an alpha female goes, a lot of folks don’t understand that someone like that has to see her partner as equal not less. So, while she doesn’t need a man in her life, Sharon isn’t one to let a good thing go…not after fifty-three years. Lucky me.

If I Married Up, Did She Marry Down?

I’ve never hesitated to admit that I married up. Does that mean she married down?

Having been around the block more than a couple of times, I’ve come to several inalienable truths. One is that Sharon married me, I didn’t marry her. Two, I had no idea what I was getting into…. or that it was going to be that good.

I’ve often thought that one of the great mysteries of life is how and why people get married and stay together. What secret combination or chemical ingrediencies were present that cemented their relationship for so long. It isn’t something that’s commonly talked about. I’m guessing a lot of couples haven’t really given it a lot of thought themselves.

I’m a writer and I find the social dynamics of relationships fascinating as heck. More than a once, some friend in my C & C circle, has made the comment (always casually) that they had married up. It’s stated as an observation that over the course of their marriage, they’ve come to realize that they won the lottery and didn’t know it at the time.

For me, it wasn’t love at first sight or curling toes or shortness of breath that signaled a life-altering change on the horizon. It was simply a comfort level, a sense of safety and vulnerability at the same time that said she was the one. At a certain point, we both knew it and Sharon, being Sharon, acted on it before old stumble bumble did.

Adding to the complexity of our relationship, was the question (never addressed) of opposites attracting. If there was ever a sterling example of this phenomena, it was Sharon and I. She is an ENFJ, to the extreme and I’m an ISTJ, off the charts. Simply stated, Sharon is an extrovert who loves people, company, group interactions, etc. I am happiest by myself and/or in a quiet environment. ‘Quiet time’ is precious to me. Then there’s the equation of the ‘alpha female’ phenomena.

At some point in my writing journey, I came across the phrase alpha female and was sucker-punched by its definition. It fit Sharon to a T as did her Myers-Briggs personality category of ENFJ. An ENFJ is described as the protagonist; charismatic and inspiring, able to mesmerize their listeners. On the other hand, as an ISTJ, I’m described as the logistician, practical and fact-minded, whose reliability cannot be doubted. More thorough descriptions of these two personality traits solidify the fact that they define Sharon and myself perfectly. Whether or not, that’s good or bad, can be someone’s judgement call. I would simply say: “Yeah, that’s us!”

The divergent interests we have are remarkable. We have very different tastes in music, reading material, the movies, etc. She loves to talk politics; it makes me gag. She is generous to a fault, me, not so much! Fortunately, what we do have in common are all the basics; a passion for education for ourselves, our children, and grandchildren. A common-sense approach to money management, lifestyle, and distain for status symbols. We don’t care much for material possessions or any accoutrements of wealth or status or prestige. What you see is what there is; simple as that.

Interestingly enough, one of the most common misunderstandings about an alpha female is that they would never marry someone their equal. Actually, the opposite is true. An alpha female has too much pride and self-assuredness to marry someone less than herself. With their high emotional intelligence, natural tendency to take on leadership roles, unflinching faith in their purpose and beliefs, an alpha female knows what she wants and isn’t afraid to go after it. Their insight often leaves the rest of us ‘who knew’ souls far behind.

Thus, an alpha female would never marry down because it wouldn’t fit her personality. She must see her mate as her equal in the greater scheme of life’s order.

Lucky me.

Five Years Younger and Twice as Old

Have you ever been to a dinner party or some similar event and met a couple and your first reaction is ‘How the hell did those two ever end up together?’ Yeah, me too.

Then there are other couples who seem, at least on the surface, to complement each other to a T; a perfect match made in heaven or on the Hallmark Channel. Yet both couples have found a commonality or connection that has withstood the test of time. Go figure?

On the surface, there are the visible correlations of compatibility, similar interests, like-minded pursuit of goals and the list goes on and on. It’s sometimes easy to see why two individuals were attracted to one another and have stayed together. But what about the phenomena of opposites attracting?  How is it that two individuals with different, diverse, divergent, divided interests can be not only attracted to one another but can make it work for nearly a half century? It gets even more interesting when one of the partners is an alpha female.

Sharon is five years younger than I am and twice as old in terms of maturity, social skills, and leadership abilities. She’s also an alpha female and Type A personality. Talk about opposites attracting!

Being married to an alpha female might seem a bit incongruous considering my upbringing. Yet nothing could be further from the truth. Upon reflection, I realize, down through the decades, I‘ve always been attracted to strong women with brains, beauty and brawn. In this case, I would define brawn as a personality that is focused, determined and in-charge.

The misconception of a type A personality or an alpha female is ripe with conjecture, misconception, and misunderstanding. Not surprisingly, a lot of folks think that partnering up to an alpha type personality reduces one’s own status to that of a eunuch. Nothing could be further from the truth. From that façade of contradictions come cohesiveness and compatibility. Sometimes, it’s just hard to see that at first glance.

Alpha females aren’t new, but they were rarer back in the day. Back then, they were typically women who didn’t follow conventional paths. They became writers, politicians, scientists or doctors. In my wife’s case, Sharon started out as a teacher and pretty quickly morphed into an administrator and then Vice President of a college.

A lot of psychologists believe that every relationship needs balance for it to survive. In the case of the happily married alpha female, it is a balance between masculine and feminine energy. While seemingly miscued in favor of the alpha side, closer observation would reveal that while the alpha side is predominant that dominance is totally dependent on the willful acceptance of the beta side. One doesn’t function without the other.

              

That balance between our two personalities, while often invisible to most outside eyes, is the fulcrum upon which our relationship balances and without it, there would be no relationship. It is truly the ying and yang, up and down, right and left and good and bad of any relationship. One side does not, cannot, exist without the complete willing acceptance of the other.

Obvious differences aside, there is more commonality between Sharon and myself than that which lies on the surface. We were both born into lower-middle class families; Sharon from a small farming family and me by a single parent. There was limited interest in education among our parents, relatives and extended family. Advanced educational studies were not seen as playing a prominent role in our respective futures. That changed for both of us in high school.

Fast forward to July of 1971 and the similarities begin to appear and coalesce. Neither Sharon nor I care much for status symbols or flashy objects. The prominent commonalities we both share are a hunger for self-improvement, the importance of education for our families and not being afraid of hard work.

Initially the differences made all the difference. Then the commonalities solidified beneath those rolling waves of personality mix-ups and ultimately formed the bond seen vapid and loose by most. But much like the raindrop that becomes the puddle that becomes the stream that becomes the river that becomes the rapids, our relationship is like a current that can’t be stopped.

Real relationships are funny that way. Whence they came from nobody knows and where they’re going we know even less.

What can I say: it works for us.

The Girl with Seven Suede Jackets [re-blogged] - A belated birthday salute

She was born on a dirt farm in the middle of nowhere, Nebraska. Rental property that barely paid the rent and put food on the table. Her father worked the fields every day and her Mom tended their home. It was bare-bones living but it was a good life.

The family moved to another farm when she was eight years old. By then she was getting up early in the morning to help her father milk the cows, sling hay and keep the bulk tank spotless. She was the eldest daughter doing what was needed to be done to sustain the family.

Even then there were strong influences that shaped her life. People and events that steeled her determination to make something of herself beyond the 250 acres of wheat, soybeans and corn.

She had a loving grandmother who was more worldly than most farm wives. For two years the young girl walked from school to Grandma’s house for lunch and instead of washing dishes, they played with dolls, colored, made sugar pies and pictures. A myriad of other mind-expanding experiences.

Long before women figured out they didn’t have to wear girdles every time they stepped outside, there was an aunt who pioneered early feminist Zen. She traveled the world and ran a bar in the winter. Her aunt could command a bar stool discussion with the best of her patrons. In the summers, her aunt had a gift shop up north where the young girl worked. It was there she learned how to charm the customers and make the sale, honing her business skills.

During her junior year in high school, a nun took a liking to her and told her she had to go to college. She would be the first in her family to do so. And even though there was no money for such a venture, it really wasn’t negotiable. The nun taught her how to break the rules and glass ceilings in that small town.

She was student class president her freshman, sophomore and junior year. Even though she was elected class president her senior year, the nuns decided a boy should have that position. So the young girl learned to roll with the clerical punches and still come out on top. She went to Girls State, was awarded the Betty Crocker Homemaker of the Year Award and elected Sodality President. The nuns couldn’t take that away from her.

Back in high school, a neighboring farm boy came to ask her out on a date. She politely declined and suffered the wrath of her father who thought she should have gone out simply because she had been asked. “What will our neighbors think?” her Father asked her. “It doesn’t matter,” she answered. Still doesn’t.

One day the girl’s mother was cornered in town by the attorney’s wife. The townies wanted to know why her daughter, a simple farm girl, thought she could go to such an elite all girl college in the cities. “Who does she think she is?” the woman asked her mother. “My daughter!” her mother answered. And that was that.

The young girl took from all her life experiences the proposition that she could and therefore she would. If she wanted it, she would work for it. There was no free lunch but she was skilled in the kitchen. Those were giant assumptions in the early sixties, which in turn she passed on to her own children and grandchildren. No excuses, she would say, just focused determination to do what was needed to be done.

And she realized very early that she was smarter than most of the boys she dated. She still feels that way about men in general although she hasn’t dated in quite some time.

In college, she had to work almost full time while attending school as a day student. She lived with her aunt and learned to manage a tight schedule, be judicious about her sleep and still find time for student activities. She ended up student MEA president her senior year and traveled to Washington to represent the state. It was four years of sacrifice, hard work and little sleep and she excelled at everything she did.

Day students were not the girls who lived on campus. Boarders often didn’t have to work; they enjoyed time for studies, boys down the road and pondering their future career or lifestyle. Some enjoyed a preponderance of wealth.

Like the girl with seven suede jackets.

This girl had a different suede jacket for each day of the week. Different colors, different styles and all unique. It spoke to the wardrobe packed in her dorm room. For many girls on campus it was a gilded world of their liking. A few were pampered, privileged and very entitled. Others were not as privileged but still lived in a world far apart from morning milking chores and afternoon fieldwork the young girl was used to.

The young girl’s humble background and tough work ethic provided a sterling example for her children and grandchildren for what hard work, focus and determination can accomplish for a person.

Success followed her academic and business career every step of the way.

She’s been president, chair, board member or committee member of every organization she’s ever belonged to. With her it’s almost a given. She was the first woman president of her Rotary club and first female Rotary district chair. Her list of posts, appointments, awards and recognition could fill a very large book. She commands and gets the respect of every man in the group.

Businessmen universally respect her because she’s got the chops, the business acumen to deal with adverse situations, tough calls to make and focused goals to achieve. And unlike some of her professional colleagues, she has a common sense approach to conflict resolution. She’s like a mama bear in an Ann Taylor suit.

Negotiations are her forte. Her ready smile and easy demeanor belie a sharp focus on the issues at hand, a calculating mind and deep insight into the human condition. Hardly seems fair to those sitting across from her in any business or political negotiations. I like to say she will eat you for lunch and you just came for desert.

If I ever get this writing thing going for me, I’m going to ask her to negotiate on my behalf. Her daughter is an attorney. No surprise there. Between the two of them, they would make a formidable team on my side.

In another life, she might have led a breakout at the cloisters, been Ophelia’s sister, a confidant to Clare Boothe Luce and most certainly a blue stocking suffragette. Perhaps even an Amazon Queen.

She still thinks she is smarter than most men.

But I’m not going to give her that one.

I married her instead.

A Woman's Place

It used to be that a woman’s place was only in the home. There were exceptions, like my mother a single working parent, but very few. That’s changed over time along with the old definition of women’s work. Among my friends there’s now a division of labor which is more the norm. Of course, there will always a few hold-outs clinging to the notion that the ‘old way’ was the best way. But for the most part, logic and common sense have come to prevail.

I do the laundry at home and help house-clean; have for years. My wife handles our personal finances and I manage our investments. I do the yard work and she supervises the household. That routine is in stark contrast to the paradigm of responsibility in which we were raised. Nowadays, it’s a division of labor based on who wants to do what or who is the most qualified to handle it. I find it fascinating that some men still cling to the old standards in lieu of a more reliable, realistic divisions of labor.

I never found it unmanly to change diapers, do laundry or wash the dishes. On the other hand, I wouldn’t trust me to make a meal or manage a dinner party or host an event at our home. In those settings, I’m comfortable following directions and not allowing my ego to get in the way of a real pro (my wife.)

Mom & I

Perhaps it was being raised by a strong-willed, self-sufficient mother that made me comfortable around independent women.  I’ve always had this attraction for ambitious brainy women. Now I’m not talking about a woman’s intellectual capacity per say. That’s a given between the two genders. What I’m talking about is an intuitive second-nature that seems so natural with many of the women I knew and still know today. It’s an understanding of how the world works that sometimes escapes many of the men I know…myself included.

I think it’s in their genes. Perhaps some kind of ancient biological metamorphosis that rendered women better able to process life’s intricacies and then somehow translate them into something that actually makes sense. It’s a skill that not a lot of men possess. Men are too logical and rational. We’re too black and white. The grays get it more often than not.

Like the women presently in my life, I’ve been most fortunate to have had interesting women woven through my past lives. Now I find after all these years there is actually a name for these special kind of women…. Alpha females, who knew?

On the Urban Dictionary web site, the definition of an alpha female is the dominant female in a group. She is intelligent, an intellectual problem solver and a hard worker as well as often busy. Yep, that pretty much describes those women I’ve known and still know today.

I stumbled across another site called Askmen.com. The site had a list of “Six signs that you’re dating an alpha female.” OMG…reading it was like discovering your own Myers-Briggs Personality Profile for the first time. Suddenly a light bulb goes off and many of those incidents, events and actions and reactions on her part actually make sense now…at least from her point of view.

Talk about eye-opening. Where was that information fifty plus years ago when I thought dating was like dancing though a field of clover and it was actually a minefield instead? Right from the beginning the roles were reversed. It wasn’t a fair contest and I didn’t even know it.

You’d think that after stumbling through high school, dating a girl who eventually married a doctor, I would have learned my lesson and dated safer women. Not a chance, the woman I dated in college finished school in three years and ended up marrying a fellow who became department chair at one of the service academies.

Undaunted, I continued my quest and kept seeking out stimulating women whose company I enjoyed…even if they were a challenge sometimes. So what happened to that unsuspecting lamb? I ended up marrying the leader of the pack. Her upbringing and background qualify her for such status that I tried to document it in The Girl with Seven Suede Jackets.

I’m not ashamed to admit that my wife is right about most things 90% of the time. Of course, she would claim 110% all of the time but that’s just her. Does it bother me? Yes and no.

No, it doesn’t bother me. The advice I get from her is heart-felt and usually right on the money. The advice is free and plentiful. Well, not exactly free, I’m married to it and it is OUR money.

Yes, of course, it bothers me.

Its tiring having your spouse always be right. It can be irritating at times especially when the obvious is presented as so rational and logical that only a fool wouldn’t be able to grasp it the first time around.

But that doesn’t make women perfect. Far from it. They can be irrational, illogical, emotional and quick to judge. They can act coy and elusive and consider that being safe. They can give mixed messages and consider it undecided. They can play one against the other and consider it evening the odds.

I’ve known enough women to never underestimate their intuitive nature and ability to see the obvious even if it’s well camouflaged to most men. That’s what I was trying to say in The Dutiful Wife; that women are inherently more intuitive than most men and shouldn’t have to apologize for it.

Smart, brainy women are a cut above the rest and that’s why they populate many of my novels and screenplays. They’re simply more interesting characters with a depth and richness that is fun to mine. Sage was my latest protagonist a cut above the rest.

My wife, daughter and daughter-in-law are among some of the smartest women I know. But even before that I had a thing for women who could hold their own in conversation and life. My weakness continues to this day. I’m still surrounded by smart, intuitive women and I love it.

My wife likes to pontificate that if men were smarter they’d realize that just the smallest of gestures made without any specific purpose or goal in mind is a million times more effective than the expected holiday gift or birthday offering. If men knew or just understood that simple fact, they could get just about anything they wanted.

Yeah, I would agree…except if it’s that simple how come it’s so hard to do?

Now that my granddaughters are maturing beyond their chronological ages, I can already see that they are all very bright and strong-willed. It would not be a stretch to say they are becoming true alpha females, all three of them. I’ve already gone off on that topic in ConstantCharlotte.

I used to worry about my granddaughters when they were old enough to begin dating. Now I worry about their dates instead. Those poor guys won’t know what they’re getting themselves into.

Maybe I could meet them at the door and explain what my granddaughters are really like.

But no, I don’t think so. It took me a lifetime to figure out those kind of women and I’m still working at it.

They’re going to have to figure it out for themselves.

Weak Women and Inquiring Minds

Why is it that when women could be so strong they’re sometimes so weak? The same could be said about men but I’m not as interested in that gender as I am in the stronger sex.

Generally speaking, it’s the strong, smart, independent types that populate my novels and screenplays since they are of primary interest to me. I’ve always been attracted to that kind of woman starting way back in high school.

These are women who aren’t afraid to speak their mind. They scare the heck out of some men but that is hardly of concern to them. They’re focused, determined and seem to know exactly what they want out of life. While not all of them were affected by the enormous societal and sexual shifts that affected women in the sixties, a lot of them were the product of those seismic changes.

I’ll probably keep writing about those types of women because they’ve infiltrated my imagination. But if I intend to keep a balance in my writing and reflect the real world then I’ve also got to include another other type of woman.

These are the quiet ones who struggle with their place in a male-dominated world and who unfortunately still cling to the ancient notions of a woman’s place in our society. As a writer and student of such things esoteric, my inquiring mind wants to explore that aspect of the human psychological geography.

It’s that other type of woman who garners a greater part of my curiosity. Not because I find them attractive. It’s more a case of pity than analytical examination. If I do include a dutiful wife as one of my characters, it won’t be a flattering portrait. It’s the kind of woman Don Draper would want to date.

Unfortunately, many of these women haven’t yet realized that the modern world has evolved and changed and their role as ‘the little woman’ shouldn’t exist anymore.  I’m talking about those dutiful wives whose lives seem to evolve around their husband’s daily activities and existence. At social gatherings or in the company of other men, they simply become wallpaper. They’re an accessory or a detachable add-on. Their absence isn’t noticed and their presence is taken for granted by their spouse and others in the room. Their deference to their husband’s wishes is almost palatable.

Yet it doesn’t seem to be that way because they’ve got a real catch on their hands. But rather because their husband/partners own shadow seem to block out any light reflecting back on them. And they’re either OK with that or can’t or won’t do anything about it. Perhaps they once had something in that relationship but not anymore. Now it’s more a fear of the unknown and never asking themselves if there isn’t something better out there.

Some past generations have told women that once they made their bed, they had to sleep in it. Perhaps it’s Catholic guilt, (pick your own religion here, if you want), fear of the unknown, complacency or not believing there could be something better out there for them. If they do try to be assertive, they’re often called feisty or fierce or worse yet, bossy.

I’m certainly not advocating they leave or divorce their spouse because times have changed and so has their relationship with the old man. Instead, I’m pondering if there isn’t something else in their lives that could take the place of the duties they feel encumbered upon to perform as the dutiful one.

Life is too fleeting for these women to short-change themselves because of some antiquated notion that their man is entitled to be waited upon. That’s about as meaningless as dumb blond jokes and man caves. No woman should be ‘grateful’ to have a man in her life.

So while I’m stuck with my infatuation with strong women, I’ll continue to examine the drab life of the dutiful significant other. Perhaps with some quick key strokes and my imagination running rampant, I’ll invite more of them into my fictional worlds and see if I can’t make it better for them.

Marrying Up

My friend was offended when I suggested that some men marry up. He found it hard to believe that someone would marry outside of their own social class. The idea that a man would marry a woman more accomplished than himself was a strange new concept to him. He explained to me in detail how he and his wife were quite equal and complimented each other in every way.

I quickly backtracked. Not because I felt I was wrong but because I didn’t want to offend my friend. He had married well. So had I. I guess it was just my semantics that had thrown him off and raised his defenses.

To clear the air with him, I tried to clarify what I meant to say. I thought there was a balance between my wife and me but it certainly wasn’t equal…in every way. It was a balance between two strong personalities but not a case of plain vanilla symmetry.

For example, I told him, I’m inherently cheap. My wife isn’t afraid to spend money. She likes to meet new people and try new things. I don’t but I don’t mind going along with her wishes. She likes to be in charge (alpha female personality.) I usually don’t care about most sundry everyday decisions of our day-to-day living. My focus is elsewhere. I’m not afraid of strong women. She is a very strong woman.

Fortunately when it comes to both of our core values, we’re in total sync. Whether it is the value of education, personal development, financial goals and objectives or the vapid nature of material goods, we speak the same language.

The internet is replete with articles about how to marry the right person. There are guidelines, benchmarks, tests and self-evaluations to see if marrying someone older than yourself will work out, if mixed religions can flourish together, if cultural and ethnic backgrounds make a difference.

Some guidelines make a lot of sense: Don’t marry potential. Choose character over chemistry. Don’t neglect the emotional needs of your potential partner. Avoid opposing life plans. Avoid a lack of emotional connection. Pay attention to your own emotional anxiety. Beware of avoiding personal responsibility. Finally, watch out for a lack of emotional health and availability in your potential partner.

And yet once you’re done with all the graphs and charts and guidelines and rules, there can still be this inexplicable, unmistakable, hard-to-define connection. And even after many years and countless miles traveled together, the connection can still be there.

How many people marry up and don’t even realize it. It certainly wasn’t intentional on my part. It just so happened that Sharon had many of the qualities that I was lacking… who knew? An ISTJ marries an exact opposite. Talk about disparate ends of the personality spectrum. Yet after many years of marriage we still find similarities as well as differences that define our relationship. Besides, I’m not sure I’d want to be married to someone like me…nay, probably not.

Both my son and daughter found spouses who share their interest in the important things in life but also balanced them out. Their spouses compliment my kid’s their idiosyncrasies and shortcomings. Yes, I can say that, I’m their father.

Finding the right spouse can sometimes be a crap shoot or just the right combination of luck and timing. My high school girlfriend married a doctor right out of college. That seemed to fit her personality.

My college girlfriend married a fellow who became a professor at one of the service academies. That also seemed like a good match for her personality and needs.

Then through a curious combination of timing, placement and karma, I began dating my future wife. Our backgrounds were, in fact, quite different. I was a city boy dating a farm girl. I like Bob Dylan and the Beatles. She didn’t know that friend of mine and wasn’t crazy about bugs. I liked smart sophisticated women. But this was a woman whose level of sophistication was far superior to my own. In fact, an alpha female who was as comfortable in the classroom as she was in the boardroom.  On the surface, someone totally out of my league. Beneath the surface; just the same.

So why has it worked out so well for so long?

My amazing wife and I

Fortunately I’ve never let my ego get in the way of a strong female companion. It must be tough being married to men with large egos. Who would want to be known as the ‘little woman back home’? Even Don Draper’s wife Betty grew tired of that moniker and threw him away.

So marrying up, although unplanned, has worked out pretty well for me. Although a curious mixture, it’s a chemistry that works for us even if it still requires patience, tolerance and understanding.

I’m working on those attributes too.