If I Married Up, Did She Marry Down?

I’ve never hesitated to admit that I married up. Does that mean she married down?

Having been around the block more than a couple of times, I’ve come to several inalienable truths. One is that Sharon married me, I didn’t marry her. Two, I had no idea what I was getting into…. or that it was going to be that good.

I’ve often thought that one of the great mysteries of life is how and why people get married and stay together. What secret combination or chemical ingrediencies were present that cemented their relationship for so long. It isn’t something that’s commonly talked about. I’m guessing a lot of couples haven’t really given it a lot of thought themselves.

I’m a writer and I find the social dynamics of relationships fascinating as heck. More than a once, some friend in my C & C circle, has made the comment (always casually) that they had married up. It’s stated as an observation that over the course of their marriage, they’ve come to realize that they won the lottery and didn’t know it at the time.

For me, it wasn’t love at first sight or curling toes or shortness of breath that signaled a life-altering change on the horizon. It was simply a comfort level, a sense of safety and vulnerability at the same time that said she was the one. At a certain point, we both knew it and Sharon, being Sharon, acted on it before old stumble bumble did.

Adding to the complexity of our relationship, was the question (never addressed) of opposites attracting. If there was ever a sterling example of this phenomena, it was Sharon and I. She is an ENFJ, to the extreme and I’m an ISTJ, off the charts. Simply stated, Sharon is an extrovert who loves people, company, group interactions, etc. I am happiest by myself and/or in a quiet environment. ‘Quiet time’ is precious to me. Then there’s the equation of the ‘alpha female’ phenomena.

At some point in my writing journey, I came across the phrase alpha female and was sucker-punched by its definition. It fit Sharon to a T as did her Myers-Briggs personality category of ENFJ. An ENFJ is described as the protagonist; charismatic and inspiring, able to mesmerize their listeners. On the other hand, as an ISTJ, I’m described as the logistician, practical and fact-minded, whose reliability cannot be doubted. More thorough descriptions of these two personality traits solidify the fact that they define Sharon and myself perfectly. Whether or not, that’s good or bad, can be someone’s judgement call. I would simply say: “Yeah, that’s us!”

The divergent interests we have are remarkable. We have very different tastes in music, reading material, the movies, etc. She loves to talk politics; it makes me gag. She is generous to a fault, me, not so much! Fortunately, what we do have in common are all the basics; a passion for education for ourselves, our children, and grandchildren. A common-sense approach to money management, lifestyle, and distain for status symbols. We don’t care much for material possessions or any accoutrements of wealth or status or prestige. What you see is what there is; simple as that.

Interestingly enough, one of the most common misunderstandings about an alpha female is that they would never marry someone their equal. Actually, the opposite is true. An alpha female has too much pride and self-assuredness to marry someone less than herself. With their high emotional intelligence, natural tendency to take on leadership roles, unflinching faith in their purpose and beliefs, an alpha female knows what she wants and isn’t afraid to go after it. Their insight often leaves the rest of us ‘who knew’ souls far behind.

Thus, an alpha female would never marry down because it wouldn’t fit her personality. She must see her mate as her equal in the greater scheme of life’s order.

Lucky me.

Married to Whom

I know it sounds terribly self-serving - comparing the spouses, partners and significant others in other people’s lives. One could easily ask oneself: Who am I to compare, analyze or otherwise scrutinize the partners other people have chosen to live with for the rest of their lives.

I am a writer. I can and therefore I do. Besides it’s one of those age old questions that people often times ponder but seldom discuss in public. ‘How did those two end up together?’ and better yet, ‘what was the glue that kept them together for so long?’

I think many young girls when they’re growing up fantasize about the man they will eventually marry. One has to fast-forward any length of time to see if and how it worked out. For those who went the distance I’m always fascinated how and why. How did those two people end up together? Why did it work out?

I did well for myself although as I’ve confessed in another blog (Through no Fault of My Own) it was just luck on my part that my best friend of forty-seven years chose me and not someone else. There were plenty of other suiters attracted to that smart, witty, ambitious blond and yet she choose me. Perhaps the fact that she was so different from the other women I dated had something to do with it.

In high school and college, a lot of the girls I dated seemed enamored with strong men who had ‘to be in charge.’ They wanted the guy to tell them where they were going on a date, what they’d do afterwards with no discussion required. If those handsome young men expressed great insight into their own destiny and claimed to know exactly what their future held for them, the women practically felt their limbs go weak and heart start racing.

I could never resolve that conundrum with those women. On one hand they claimed equal rights for just about everything…which they should have. Then they turned around and their hearts would go all-a-flutter for those ‘father-like-figures’ who made it very clear who was in charge. I guess for those women it was easier to defer than to challenge.

I always thought it made more sense and was more respectful to let the woman decide on options for a date. Or at least to let the two of us decide on something mutually agreeable. A lot of those women back in my tender years seemed to see that approach as weak and compromising. But it was my approach so I never changed.

Conversely, I find it fascinating that so many men I know are very uncomfortable around strong women. It’s usually masked by bravado and a higher than normal volume of control. But behind the façade is a man who needs to be in charge and is not used to a woman challenging him on that role.

Long before the notion of women’s liberation bubbled into our consciousness and the #MeToo movement took shape, strong women caught my attention and imagination. As I’ve mentioned in past blogs I have always found independent women very attractive. The heroines that populate my novels and plays seem to have that same characteristic - brilliant, beautiful, and ballsy.

But I guess in the end it doesn’t matter who you marry as long as it works for the two of you. Others may try to figure out your chemistry but why bother.

On the surface, my own connection may not seem very obvious. It was a kaleidoscope of opposites attracting and subtle yet very real mutual goals. It is a collaboration of aspirations and agreements where it really matters.  It’s our own fabric of living together and yet independently that makes our partnership work.

All the rest is supposition and assumption.

Relationships

Like it or not, who we end up spending our lives with says so much about who we are.

It reflects our tastes, values, expectations, and outlook on life. If the relationship lasts it probably did so because you compliment your partner and don’t complicate their lives. It’s an unspoken, mutually understood, often camouflaged form of communication that works very well and has for years. It was probably based on trial and error and triumph and failure and the enduring commitment to another human being.

Over the years, I’ve always been curious about relationships. It started in high school with my first girlfriend then stumbled on to college with my second love and finally hit some kind of stride after graduation and a little more maturity.

     

I’ve always been attracted toward women who fit several criteria. Even back in high school, the standard was set and I’ve never deviated from it. They had to be attractive although I’ll admit that was probably more a hormonal reaction than anything else. They had to be pleasant to be around. ‘Comfortable’ is a word I’m not embarrassed to use. Finally they had to be smart. Not just your average intelligence but way above that average mark. Why I was attracted to women much smarter than myself I’ll never know. But it was real and firm and non-negotiable.  A smart woman can still curl my toes any day of the week.

Recently, Sharon had one of her ever-popular social events at our home. It was semi-formal dinner and then, as is reflective of Palm Springs, games were played afterwards. I had a great opportunity to observe the couples invited. It was a mixed group; straight and gay couples alike.

As I perused our guests it was fascinating to guess how and why certain couples connected and have stayed together over the years. It was hardly an Einstein-level analysis but did, nevertheless, cause me to reflect on the interactions in front of me.

For most couples, I could find traces of similarities between the two. Most gave away one or two clues as to what it was that kept them a pair for so long.

When I first met Sharon, we were both working at a public television station in Saint Paul. I was the night time station operator and she was still in college and the evening receptionist. My first seductive words to her after a brief introduction was: ‘Want to read my scripts.’ I knew she was an English major, very smart and could correct typos like the best of them. I also sensed she would give me an honest (even if it were painful) analysis of my writing. I was right on all counts. Still am.

Yet there was something else that made her different from all the others. She was the exact opposite of me in almost every way. According to the Myers-Briggs Personality Test I am an ISTJ…off the charts. Sharon is an ENFJ…off the charts. It’s become an on-going joke with our kids because we are so different in any category you can name. Yet it has worked out…rather well…for forty-five years.

Definition of ISTJ

Definition of ENFJ

If asked what does it takes for a relationship to work, I’m guessing the answers would be as varied and numerous as the persons asked.  Without love and friendship in our lives, life would be pretty empty. I’ve been incredibly lucky and have had a lifetime to attest to that.

Marrying Up

My friend was offended when I suggested that some men marry up. He found it hard to believe that someone would marry outside of their own social class. The idea that a man would marry a woman more accomplished than himself was a strange new concept to him. He explained to me in detail how he and his wife were quite equal and complimented each other in every way.

I quickly backtracked. Not because I felt I was wrong but because I didn’t want to offend my friend. He had married well. So had I. I guess it was just my semantics that had thrown him off and raised his defenses.

To clear the air with him, I tried to clarify what I meant to say. I thought there was a balance between my wife and me but it certainly wasn’t equal…in every way. It was a balance between two strong personalities but not a case of plain vanilla symmetry.

For example, I told him, I’m inherently cheap. My wife isn’t afraid to spend money. She likes to meet new people and try new things. I don’t but I don’t mind going along with her wishes. She likes to be in charge (alpha female personality.) I usually don’t care about most sundry everyday decisions of our day-to-day living. My focus is elsewhere. I’m not afraid of strong women. She is a very strong woman.

Fortunately when it comes to both of our core values, we’re in total sync. Whether it is the value of education, personal development, financial goals and objectives or the vapid nature of material goods, we speak the same language.

The internet is replete with articles about how to marry the right person. There are guidelines, benchmarks, tests and self-evaluations to see if marrying someone older than yourself will work out, if mixed religions can flourish together, if cultural and ethnic backgrounds make a difference.

Some guidelines make a lot of sense: Don’t marry potential. Choose character over chemistry. Don’t neglect the emotional needs of your potential partner. Avoid opposing life plans. Avoid a lack of emotional connection. Pay attention to your own emotional anxiety. Beware of avoiding personal responsibility. Finally, watch out for a lack of emotional health and availability in your potential partner.

And yet once you’re done with all the graphs and charts and guidelines and rules, there can still be this inexplicable, unmistakable, hard-to-define connection. And even after many years and countless miles traveled together, the connection can still be there.

How many people marry up and don’t even realize it. It certainly wasn’t intentional on my part. It just so happened that Sharon had many of the qualities that I was lacking… who knew? An ISTJ marries an exact opposite. Talk about disparate ends of the personality spectrum. Yet after many years of marriage we still find similarities as well as differences that define our relationship. Besides, I’m not sure I’d want to be married to someone like me…nay, probably not.

Both my son and daughter found spouses who share their interest in the important things in life but also balanced them out. Their spouses compliment my kid’s their idiosyncrasies and shortcomings. Yes, I can say that, I’m their father.

Finding the right spouse can sometimes be a crap shoot or just the right combination of luck and timing. My high school girlfriend married a doctor right out of college. That seemed to fit her personality.

My college girlfriend married a fellow who became a professor at one of the service academies. That also seemed like a good match for her personality and needs.

Then through a curious combination of timing, placement and karma, I began dating my future wife. Our backgrounds were, in fact, quite different. I was a city boy dating a farm girl. I like Bob Dylan and the Beatles. She didn’t know that friend of mine and wasn’t crazy about bugs. I liked smart sophisticated women. But this was a woman whose level of sophistication was far superior to my own. In fact, an alpha female who was as comfortable in the classroom as she was in the boardroom.  On the surface, someone totally out of my league. Beneath the surface; just the same.

So why has it worked out so well for so long?

My amazing wife and I

Fortunately I’ve never let my ego get in the way of a strong female companion. It must be tough being married to men with large egos. Who would want to be known as the ‘little woman back home’? Even Don Draper’s wife Betty grew tired of that moniker and threw him away.

So marrying up, although unplanned, has worked out pretty well for me. Although a curious mixture, it’s a chemistry that works for us even if it still requires patience, tolerance and understanding.

I’m working on those attributes too.