Doesn't Need a Man in Her Life

‘Need’ is the operative word here. I’m talking about the kind of woman who makes some men very uncomfortable. The last thing you’d dare call her is the ‘little woman,’ ‘wife of’ or ‘other half.’ She is herself; totally herself without apology. Most men get it; some poor souls don’t.

As a novelist, playwright and screen writer, it’s my job to create, imagine and paint colorful picture-stories of women that readers want to read about. They should be real, provocative, mysterious, and honest to the real thing.

For example, I’ve tried to do this with my ‘Debris’ trilogy. There’s Natalie, a semi-butch lesbian, Juliet, who turns out to be bi-sexual, Millie, an aging Hollywood star, Miranda, a victim of incest and a host of other (I believe) real world women. Yet, as often as I try to paint an honest portrayal of a real woman, I find myself falling back into my most comfortable, familiar refrain.

It’s like in Greek mythology where sirens, half-bird, half-woman creatures, lure sailors to their death with their enchanting, irresistible songs. Their beautiful, yet deceptive, melodies play in my head as well and cause me, along with those mariners, to lose our minds and sail the ships into the rocky shores of the Sirens' island, causing us to drown.

Fortunately, or unfortunately, I find myself almost always gravitating toward a singular profile for my female protagonist. What can I say; I’m prejudice in the best kind of way. Through my writings, I’ve made no secret of my admiration of and attraction to independent, strong-willed women who are confident enough in themselves and their own abilities that they don’t need a man for any kind of affirmation.

I have absolutely no idea where my fascination with strong women came from? My mother was a strong-willed woman but never in a demonstrative way; German Catholics seldom are. It wasn’t the other woman in my life; aunts, nuns, female classmates, someone in the church pew ahead of me.

In my younger years, the women I’d been involved with all fit that criteria in one manner or another. Until the day, one came along who wore that crown like it was custom-tailored for her. Fifty-three years later, it still fits despite two personalities that couldn’t be more different in so many ways.

One of the Seven Wonders of the World is how an ISTJ (off the charts) married and learned to live with an ENFJ (off the charts) for fifty-three blissful years. An introvert and an Alpha Female navigating the ups and downs of communal living with all the baggage of kids, mortgages, careers, etc.

My own experience living with an Alpha Female means that most of the time she gets her way, mainly because I don’t care!  So, it’s eighty percent of the time (she’d argue it should be 125%) that her way dictates our lifestyle. Surprisingly (or not), this unplanned arrangement fits our opposite personalities and causes no problem. Seriously! It’s the other twenty percent that gets interesting.

The other ten percent where we can’t agree means that nothing gets done until some kind of compromise is reached. That stalemate can last days or months. Some have never been resolved and we’ve managed to survive as a happy couple. The final ten percent is the most important ingredient to our marriage success.

Without any preplanning, real discussion, or analysis before we got married, Sharon and I have (most fortunately) found ourselves in complete agreement on several core issues paramount to our lives. This includes little interest in material goods, current status symbols and any other cha-chas that announce ‘we have arrived.’ Neither one of us is afraid of hard work, monetary sacrifices, and common-sense dictates in raising our children.

Of all those things, large and small, that are important to both of us, education is at the top of that list. As mentioned in a past blog ‘Origins of Birth,’ education is the gift that keeps giving for us, our children and grandchildren. I hope it continues to be the standard of excellence of all of us long into our future.

As far a living with an alpha female goes, a lot of folks don’t understand that someone like that has to see her partner as equal not less. So, while she doesn’t need a man in her life, Sharon isn’t one to let a good thing go…not after fifty-three years. Lucky me.

Women and African Americans

I’ve always had this fascination with World War Two and the subsequent birth of the American Dream. After the war, there were powers-to-be among the military, political, industrial complex that wanted factory production work to continue. This focus on innovation, mass production and the growth of a consumer society all lent itself to exponential growth in the fifties and sixties. Good for some but as this book points out, it wasn’t fortuitous for women or minorities of any flavor.

The GI Bill and other government programs hyper-charged the growth of the middle class among millions of returning veterans.  It foresaw the advent of mass housing production and expansion out from the cities to the suburbs. Innovation in technology and communications soared. But for all the wonderful opportunities that were a part of this radical change in American society, two main groups of Americans were often left by the wayside; women and African Americans.

While I was aware of the role of women and minorities in the massive industrial growth during that period, I didn’t know about the hardships and prejudice both parties suffered during the war.

The book explains: ‘From the fall of France in the summer of 1940 to V-J Day in August of 1945, more than seventeen million Americans, or fourteen percent of the population, served in the armed forces of World War II. For millions more at home, a booming wartime economy produced a remarkable prosperity that ended the Great Depression, sparked a postwar economic miracle, and made the American Dream of suburban homes, shopping centers, and modern kitchens a reality.’

But during the war years, the challenges of housing, continuing segregation, universal child care and other domestic issues also dominated the American way of life. Reporters found that with more than twenty-five million men, women and children crowding into new centers of the war industry, the fabric of American life had unraveled.

The war emergency strained a tenuous racial balance to the point of violence. The social turmoil produced by the war also placed unprecedented pressures on family and home life. In the absence of social and governmental support, working mothers and their children bore a disproportionate burden. Not quite the picture painted by the newsreels seen at the movies or the image of John Wayne that I grew up with.

Advertisements in newspapers and magazines talked about life after the war assuming it would be for everyone. Yet after the war, African Americans found that those opportunities promised often disappeared and women in general were relegated back to the kitchen so men could get their old jobs back again. Masking much of that disparity for woman and African Americans was the economic growth brought on by pent-up demand over the years. I grew up during that economic growth and it seemed all wonderful to me, especially the vibes from out West.

Southern California seemed to be epicenter for the new America that came about after the war. Millions flocked to its golden beaches, lush mountains and deep valleys. Industrial and creative jobs attracted young families, each seeking their own version of the ‘American Dream.’ It was roughly twenty years of exponential growth benefiting many but also still excluding others.

The euphoria of ‘happily ever after’ lasted for, perhaps, twenty years before cracks began to appear in the American dream. Behind that façade of the iconic ‘golden state’ were the growing civil rights upheavals and women’s rights movements. The decade of the Sixties blew the lid off that happy smiling white couple and exposed the underbelly of inequality and injustice. Throughout the Sixties great strides were made to recognize the equality of women and African Americans and gays.

While the older generation of women and African Americans had to endure a return to inequality after the war, it was later generations that reaped the reward of their endurance, hard work, and persistence. It’s not perfect now nor will it ever be. But things have changed for the better for new generations of women and disadvantaged groups of people.

My two adult children work in areas of business where women compete equally with men for job opportunities. People of color have made tremendous strides in areas long denied them. While there is still a long way to go, it’s a far cry from the blatant segregation and inequality thrust upon their forefathers before and during World War Two.

While they’re still too young to fully appreciate the sacrifices made by past generations, I do believe my grandchildren will someday come to recognize what their grandparents and great grandparents did to make it a better world for them to live in. It’s a mindset I hope they will pay it forward for future generations.

Guilded Age Revisited

Over the years, I’ve written several blogs about the loss of and challenge to attain the ‘American Dream.’ Flipboard recently came out with an article from Politico entitled: ‘The Gilded Age is Back – and that should worry conservatives.’ I would add a subtitle: ‘And Suffragettes would be aghast…again.’

The gist of the article is that today’s administration in Washington bears striking resemblance to that of the Gilded Age of the late 19^th century when business and industry dominated American life as never before or since. It’s relevance to today’s social and political climate is striking in so many ways.

The debate between a conservative slant on life in America and a more liberal posture would take up volumes and still wouldn’t find an answer. It’s a deep fundamental divide that only the bravest among us is willing to venture over in hopes of finding a comprise there. It’s a deeply insightful and fascinating article to read if you want to get a handle on what the hell is happening in Washington today.

There was one paragraph in that excellent article that struck me as particularly disturbing. It brought to mind a conversation I had with a girl; name and face long since forgotten. We were in our teens and talking about dating. She explained to me that women (young girls like herself) wanted the man (I assume she was talking about me) to decide what to do and where to go on a date. I argued, in turn, that it should be a joint-decision or at least a choice made with the woman’s input included. NO, she was adamant, that was the role of the man.

One of the golden cufflinks of the Gilded Age was the subordination of women to their male counterparts. Reflecting back on that soda fountain salon, I found again the concept of women as second-class citizens frightening and absurd. Yet, here we are, seemingly going in that direction once again.

Now granted, after many miles traveled down this worn road called life, I can understand the mood, morals, and mindset of the times of my youth. It was the late Fifties and early Sixties. The Greatest Generation knew how their kids should act when socializing. It was understood that the ‘man’ was the head of the family, main provider, and overall task master. Surely, there was no question then who would decide where and what to do on a date.

I thought this whole concept of the man being the pride of the pack was misguided, foolish and just plain stupid. Fortunately, I was able to find and date women who had that willpower, know power and self-confidence to see themselves as equal and didn’t treat me as a eunuch in the process. All of which goes back that enlightening (frightening) paragraph in the article.

Quoting from the article: “The modern conservative movement’s fascination with hypermasculinity reflects a similar response to shifting gender norms, economic instability and perceived cultural decline. Vice President JD Vance’s musing about ‘childless cat ladies’ – he seems to share Musk’s obsession with natalism – are of a kind with Josh Hawley’s book, ‘Manhood: The Masculine Virtues America Needs’, and even Tucker Carlson’s concerns about declining sperm counts. The intense interest in masculinity even shaped the presidential election: To many young men who heard him on his tour of the pro-podcast circuit, Trump himself represents a restoration of masculine authority.”

While perusing a box of books a friend gave me, I came across several pamphlets from Hillsdale College. OMG, what an insightful look into the philosophy of today’s current conservative thoughts and trends. It was like breaking the enigma code and being able to better understand the thinking behind so many of Washington’s current actions, steps, missteps, and ‘what the hell are they thinking?’ way of doing things.

While some of my friends will disagree with me, including my very astute wife, this tells me why so many folks chose to either not vote or to vote with their testosterone or lack thereof. It also goes back to my fascination with men who are afraid of women. The article seems to include in that threatening group: gays, lesbians, trans, minorities, immigrants, intellectuals, and anyone else who doesn’t fit their pre-conceived white notion of what makes for a ‘real man.’

Setting Marvel comic book characters aside, most folks I know don’t see caring and concern, humility, and humanity as signs of weakness. Many of our so-called leaders today would be wise to recognize that the size of one’s tire treads and other kahunas are not the sign of a real man.

But, hey, I’m just a writer. I see what I see and I write about it. That sometimes puts me in a category all of its own. Truth can be harsh sometimes but then you see the light.