Growing Old as a Man

I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s different for men.

One of the advantages of having lived through multiple decades is the ability to look back and reflect on past and current changes in our lives. Most men seem to place those events into simple categories such as youth, education, marriage, kids, jobs and retirement. On the other hand, many women have a much broader perspective of these subtle changes occurring all around us.

Seldom talked about among older couples are subjects such as health, sex, socialization, relationships and the fear of dying. Many men think they’ve got it all figured out, but in reality, seldom do.

You could probably sub-title that period in their lives as: The fourth quarter, the final lap, final tabulation and/or reflecting on those who have died before them. Men have a lot harder time dealing with this final chapter in their lives and all the accompanying accoutrements of a life long lived.

Class reunions can be poignant reminder that a lot of our classmates won’t be joining us for another decade of remembrances. The decades pile up and our ‘Camelot’ period of work or the service or youthful adventures soon becomes ancient history.

If we men are lucky enough to have someone beside us: new, previously-engaged, or a veteran of the long haul - we can better face that final curtain with the comfort of companionship. Usually two pairs of eyes and one good brain can better focus on the time ahead.

Women seem better equipped for this later stage in life. Perhaps it’s because most are natural-born multi-taskers. I don’t know if it’s the result of a lifetime of caring and nurturing of others; kids and parents alike or more ease and comfort in social engagement. Women seem more intuitive, with common sense instincts about the circle of life. Wherever their strength comes from, many women have proven more adaptable to the twists and turns of our later years.

The recurring mantra, repeated among the smarter set toward their spouses, seems to be ‘Now, don’t you get old on me.’ Women have this constant concern that their other half will begin to show the signs of old age. Growing rigidity, a lack of flexibility, a lack of tolerance for younger generations, concern for rising prices, social changes and a seemingly disregard to the tried and true that was good enough for their own generation. Many old men think they should be listened to simply because they’re talking. ‘The old men at the coffee shop’ (one of my favorite whipping points) is a case in point.

Time can be a cruel reminder of life’s frailties and that ticking time bomb called lifecycle. Sometimes it just makes sense to stop and listen to what’s being suggested by one’s better half instead of trying to figure it out all by yourself.

Said the old man still trying to listen as best he can.

Sense of Purpose

I have a dear friend who has been around for almost forty years. She probably doesn’t remember that when we first met she had just gotten a divorce, was starting a new job and was pondering her next step in life. We both worked at KTCA, the local public television station in town. Over time, she got remarried, had a beautiful daughter and rose in the ranks of fund-raising at the station. When I left in 1993, she was the only person I kept in contact with afterwards.

While I focused on my video production business and real estate investments, she continued growing in her career at the station. We would have lunch every couple of months and talk ‘station talk,’ and events in our lives. She became my sounding board for all things political, female and personal growth. A part of every conversation always seemed to end with ‘what to do when we would eventually retire.’ Like I said, we had a lot of history together.

I retired first and morphed into writing on a full time basis. Elise retired several years later, moved to Arizona and began her own ‘new’ career in the beauty business. Elise has long felt that older women are given the short shift when it comes to beauty tips. As always, the industry has focused on a younger audience and filled its advertisements with rail thin waifs who don’t look like anyone we might meet on the street. Elise felt there was a vastly under-served market she would like to reach with her beauty tips.

She was right and she has been very well received by that demographic. I’m guessing their husbands, partners and significant others aren’t complaining either. It’s been fun to watch Elise grow in her new career.

http://emjahns.wixsite.com/mysite

Of course, there were plenty of stumbles along the way as she grew her new business. She started with part-time work with Clinic, gave classes in community education, made lots of contacts and kept trying to find her niche where her talents met the needs of her clients. She had to learn how to build her own web site, create YouTube videos and online classes. It was hard and difficult and always challenging. But she had a secret that kept her going. Distilled down to its essential elements, she had a ‘sense of purpose’ and a reason to keep plugging along.

I’ve seen that same ‘sense of purpose’ in other friends who have found a whole new life after a lifetime of ‘working.’ Charlotte was a fellow teacher at Sharon’s college, who upon retirement has expanded her talent on stage and screen.

She’s been heavily involved with the local Twin Cities Film Festival  www.twincitiesfilmfest.org for a long time and acted in both plays and movies for many years. She was one of the founding members of both the Rosemount Area Arts Council (RAAC) and the Second Act Players (SAP) and serves on both boards.

She was my lead actress in my first two plays ‘Riot at Sage Corner’ and ‘Club 210.’ This summer she not only acted in my third play at the Steeple Center ‘The Last Sentinel’ she was also my director. Now she’s advising me on another venture of writing my first musical.

As Charlotte told me a long time ago:  “I taught to pay the bills and acted to feed my soul.” I got it. She had that sense of purpose long before she acted in her first play, choreographed her first dance, and directed her first play.

The common denominator with these two women is their sense of purpose. It’s their reason for getting out of bed each morning and facing many hours of hard labor with no guarantee of remuneration other than the knowledge that they are doing exactly what they want to do with the rest of their lives.

I have a casual coffee acquaintance whose specialty is rebuilding old Jaguar sports cars and racing them at the local track. Another coastal acquaintance teaches writing classes, edits newsletters for several senior groups he’s involved with and used to sing barbershop harmony in his spare time.

A fellow writer of mine started the Anchorage Writers Guild, regularly does author signings at Barnes and Noble, and is program chair for the Palm Springs Writers Guild. Another retired teacher like Sharon gives investment advice and has written two books on investing in retirement. His focus has been on fellow teachers.

All of these folks and plenty more that I know have shaken off the shackles of retirement and rejected the old axiom that now is the time to slow down and take it easy. They’ve found a sense of purpose, a new reason for being and a rejection of the traditional model for retirement. I’m guessing they don’t give a rat’s derriere what others of their tribe think of their daily activities. They’re doing what they want to do, how they want to do it and having a great, sometimes tough time doing it. Their sense of purpose is the only motivator they need.

Do yourself a favor and check out my friend Elise’s website. It’s called Boomer and Beauty with a focus on the beauty of older women. It’s a niche market to be sure but one that has a lot of interested participants.  The link to her website is http://emjahns.wixsite.com/mysite

Health is Wealth

An interesting thing happened on my well-traveled road to maturity. My collateral, long assumed to be material things and assets, morphed into something far more valuable and priceless. Health became paramount and without it, everything else pales in comparison.

At my age, all the money in the world doesn’t mean a damn thing if you don’t have your health. As wealthy as some folks are, few of them if any, can buy their way back to health once it’s gone.

In retrospect, I’ve been very lucky. I think I’m in fairly good shape simply because I started running early on and never stopped until I was well past 70. After one memorable weekend in the service, I stopped drinking all hard liquor except for a light beer once in a while. I’ve never smoked (OK, weed doesn’t count during my wannabe hippie years), and I’ve maintained my weight pretty well. It wasn’t planned out that way. There were no goals and objectives for a lifetime of trying to stay fit. I just started working and moving about beginning in 7th grade and have kept at it all my life.

I thought about this phenomenon recently after attending yet another funeral. It seems more and more of my friends and acquaintances have experienced recent health issues at this stage in their lives. That and my own aches and pains crawling out of bed each morning brought that issue to mind.

‘Late in life’ issues often prompt a reflective glimpse back in time. The famous Irish poet Oscar Wilde once said, “The final mystery is oneself.” So how does one unravel the mystery of self? It probably can’t happen without self-awareness and self-awareness won’t happen without reflection.

I’m at that point in life where things are starting to happen beyond my control. This old body has been pumping and expanding for seventy-six years. Fortunately its wear and tear has been relatively minimum. For others an excess of ‘living the good life’ is finally starting to show its consequences. For others, it’s the luck of the draw or the flip side of that event. I mentioned that idea in another blog entitled ‘Our Final Tabulation.’

Reflecting back on circumstances or events in one’s life can bring about new insights into your present circumstances. I think reflection is looking inward so one can look back with a broader, more accurate perspective of your current situation in life. Health more than most other events can bring that to the forefront.

As the cliché goes, it’s never too late to begin again. When my Mother and stepfather couldn’t dance anymore at ages ninety and eight-two respectively, they took up cards to strengthen their minds. I didn’t recognize it back then but their actions were a powerful motivator for me to keep pressing on.

Hiking the Garstin Trail each Saturday morning has brought me renewed appreciation for the mountain goats that so often pass me on their trek to the summit. These are weathered old goats who have passed up their country club lifestyle for the more challenging heights of our surrounding mountains.

Assessing what is important at this stage of one’s life really comes down to the basics. Health, family, friendships and life experiences. All the rest is soon to be outdated, worn out, or soon to be replaced by this season’s new trend.