You
can fill in the rest of the sentence yourself. Some folks see it as an easy way
out. But in fact, it is short- sighted, mean-spirited and doesn’t meet the
standards of a confident person.
Over
the years, I’ve had a few friendships that started out promising enough but
then the other party decided to end it with a series of excuses that finally
convinced me that we were no longer salon companions. It wasn’t an honest way
of ending our friendship/relationship but at least I (finally) got the point.
Breaking
up is never easy to do. In the past most folks had the courtesy to speak their
mind face to face or by the telephone. Nowadays some people have taken to
ghosting. I guess it’s easier and requires less conscience then the old fashion
way of owning up to reality and taking the honest way out.
I
first heard of ghosting when Charlize Theron dumped her then boyfriend Sean
Penn by simply disappearing from his life. Apparently it’s rampant among
millennials too. Statistics show that nearly 80% of millennials have
experienced it. Along with new age Tinder and Snapchat, ghosting comes with the
territory. It’s one of the paradoxes of
this new fast-paced digital culture.
Centuries
ago in another time and place, it was rough when my high school girlfriend broke
up with me. I remember her gentle sentences were laced with the standard catch
phrases like “we should date other people” and “we can still be friends.” But even
then, at the height of my immaturity, I could sense her honesty and willingness
to face our future and conclude there was nothing there. It was high school and
the whole process of ending a relationship was new to both of us.
 |
| Beacon Hill |
Ghosting
happened to me several times this summer and yet it’s always a surprise when it
does. If I were polite I’d agree with the argument that folks who take to
ghosting are simply avoiders. They probably avoid any kind of confrontation at
all costs. They certainly don’t want to deal with their own uncomfortable
feelings. A quote I read says it all: ‘The emotional maturity that comes with
giving the person you’re dealing with an ounce of common courtesy is not in
their emotional vocabulary or repertoire.’ Well spoken.
Since
I’ve started spending more time out west that old ghost of relationships gone
south has raised its familiar head again. I’m always seeking out opportunities
where I can use my writing or speaking skills. Some proposals have been met
with silence while others are warmly embraced if the details can be worked
out…at least at first. Then the ghosting happens.
It’s
been nothing as dramatic as a termination of employment or cancellation of a
contract. The folks I was dealing with simply refused to answer my e-mails
inquiring about my play offerings. Their venues have done some great work and
it would have been wonderful to work with them. Yet for reasons still unknown,
they decided otherwise.
Before
this most recent incident, another out of town venue had requested several of
my plays to review. I heard nothing back and inquired several times as to their
status. Again, it was easier for that group to pretend I didn’t exist rather
than send me a simple ‘not interested’ e-mail. People are strange.
My
theory is that a confident director or artistic director isn’t intimidated by a
playwright in their midst. Both playwright and director know who is in charge
and ultimately who makes the creative decisions surrounding the play in
question. Yet it seems to me that part of their job is to communicate their
decision and if that includes rejecting a play then the playwright deserves the
courtesy of being told just that.
“It’s
so Hollywood,” my Palm Springs friends have told me even as I tried to explain
that some of these past ventures were with Minnesota folks. “Minnesota Nice”
and all that I argued but to no avail. Perhaps they’ve taken the refrain that
my old boss used to recite whenever given the chance. “It’s just business” he
said when he fired me. He got canned six months later and I’ve always wonder if
he thought of that trite phrase when it happened to him.
Of
course, there are a dozen reasons why partnerships, joint ventures and other
assorted collaborations come to an end. Members of the proposed venture may have
changed their mind about their goals and objectives. Perhaps this particular venture
no longer fit their criteria. There could have been a time shift or time crunch
for future productions. Their production objectives may have changed and no
longer fit my qualifications. They might be trapped inside their own paradigms
of what theater is supposed to look like. Or simply stated, I didn’t make the
cut. The possible reasons are many and varied and probably legitimate. Any and
all were probably sound reasons for ending (what I thought was) a budding
artistic relationship.
Perhaps
it was a good lesson for me. People with no spine always try to dodge the
bullet but usually shoot themselves in the foot or blame the other party for
their predicament. If they didn’t have the courage to tell me face to face that
‘it was over’, I doubt our joint ventures would have ended well.
They’re
like the little old man behind the curtain in ‘The Wizard of Oz.’ I’d like to
call them cowards behind the curtain but perhaps I missed their motivation for
not responding. Either way, it was still ghosting.
At
least my old girlfriends (bless their hearts) had more class than that.
