A
movie title caught my attention a while back. At first I thought it was pretty
dumb but upon further introspection I think they got it ‘spot on.’ The movie
title was ‘She’s Just Not That into You.’ It was your classic New York romance
about unrequited love, breakups and the eternal search for that ‘perfect’
someone…and in the end, one sided relationships. I thought it could easily fit
another side of relationships - not the romantic kind, just plain simple
friendships instead.
It
sounds terribly harsh, haughty and perhaps even a bit cruel. I’m talking about
people from your past who have since disappeared from your life. Friends and
acquaintances who have faded away or didn’t live up to your expectations; real
or otherwise. They may have been there for important milestones in your life
but are no longer are even a smudge on the relationship radar. What happened to
those folks? Perhaps they didn’t follow through or fell short of what you expected
from them. Perhaps you failed them and the ending was mutual. As disappointing
as their absence is, their memories can still bring a smile to my memory.
Of
course, no one can make someone else their friend if they don’t want to be. It’s
terribly subjective and handicapped by a less than thorough knowledge of their
motives. Were there extraneous factors, whether recognized or not, that
contributed to the demise of that friendship? Was it something you did or didn’t
do? Was it something you said even in honesty that was taken the wrong way?
When
I first came back from Europe, I lived on couches for a while. There was a guy
from Tennessee who took me in. He was brilliant and funny and I thought we
really hit it off. Then he suddenly announced one day that he was moving back
home. He never wrote and that was that. The ancillary friends I met through him
remained but he didn’t.
No
matter what the contributing factors might have been, I came to the conclusion
that whatever friendship I once had with that guy had now’ left the station.’ On
one hand, it was sad. On the other, it was just life giving me a poke on the
backside and reminding me that nothing and no one is perfect.
Some
folks can be brutally honest in terms of their relationships. They separate
family (with all those obligatory ties) from friends and acquaintances (where
they get to decide whom they want to be associated with.) They pick and choose
their friends based on connections, associations and tie-ins all for their own
self-benefit and satisfaction. ‘It’s nothing personal,’ as my boss used to say,
‘it’s just business.’
Friendships
and relationships can be by their very nature a very vapid and elusive bond to
attain and hold on to. Fleeting friendships based on circumstance are easy to
recognize. An MOS partnership in the Armed Forces evaporates as soon as
discharge papers are served. That’s understood, accepted and welcomed for a
return to civilian life. A close relationship in the classroom can wither away
and die when outstate jobs or opportunities beckon. Neighbors and neighborhoods
fade from memory after the moving van has arrived. It’s all part and parcel of
the ebb and flow of normal life.
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| Photo Credit: Jerry Hoffman |
But
what about those friendships you thought were meant for greater things. Something
special you wanted to hold on to but couldn’t…her fault or yours, it doesn’t
matter anymore. The clichés are rampant when describing what happened or might
have happened. ‘There were promises not met or kept.’ ‘We were moving along in
life.’ ‘People change.’ ‘They/she just wasn’t that into you.’ And the one that
best describes them all because it tells us nothing: ‘Things happen.’ Whatever
once was had become vaporous and vague. Then like the morning mist wrapping
itself around a tree trunk it slowly slipped away.
It
seems to me that some folks go through life on autopilot. They never stop to
question any-thing that life throws at them. Instead of designing their life as
they would want it or like it or wish for it to be they simply accept what is
lying there under the morning covers. I think that’s what happens to a lot of
friendships. They’re taken for granted until those innocuous bonds that held it
together have slowly unraveled and broken apart, leaving nothing but memories
where a welcoming smile used to be.
A
mental-meandering trip back in time usually reveals very little. So what
happened to those folks? Did they change or did you? Whose expectations weren’t
met? Was it your baggage or theirs? Did they move on or did you move on with
your life and in the process leave behind what once was or might have been. Did
they disappoint you or did you screw up and lose what might have been a wonderful
friendship or relationship?
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| Two pals from grade school |
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The Barracks Boys
|
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| A potter from Amsterdam |
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| A painter from Amsterdam |
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| A pen pal from Lincolnshire, England |
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| Susan |
It’s
been several lifetimes since I’ve seen any of these folks. I assume I never
will again. So I wish for all of them health and happiness and good memories
just as mine are. It’s the Great Go-Around and in this Circle of Life a few old
friends will occasionally reappear after fifty years. I guess that’s why
reconnecting with old friends is so special.
Like
most mysteries of life, there are no easy answers…if any at all. What once was
is no longer relevant and if that bothers you then the onus is on you to make it
better the next time around.
As
the saying goes: “To have a friend you must first be a friend.” They’re still
out there…those wonderful folks who could be your friend. You just have to be
generous in kindness and spirit.
I
guess we (or perhaps just I) have to make the effort and accept the fact that
we might be disappointed in the process.
Nevertheless,
it’s still worth the effort.
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