Portrait of a Young Man Growing Up

My Favorite B-17

On the surface it might seem rather conceited of me writing an article about myself. Perhaps it’ll be mistaken as some self-absorbed treatise on the wonderment of youth and the trials (slash) tribulations of growing up in the 50’s in the Midwest. Like some opening act or shadowy prelude to my oft-mentioned ‘Lost Years’ during the Sixties.

Mother's Wedding Day

Our Backyard

At first glance it might seem that way but perhaps not so much after a second glance. My Mother only appears in two of these pictures; the first on her wedding day and the second with some skittish grade-schooler in her own backyard. Yet her presence can be felt in every picture…at least in my mind.

Fourth of July picnic with the cousins...  enough said.

The pictures don’t necessarily unleash a plethora of fond memories flooding my consciousness with warmth but nor do they harken back to a darker period in my life. Instead the pictures tell a simple story. It was what it was. That would be defined as growing up in a single parent household and raised by an emotionally-scarred woman who was just trying to survive under some very tough circumstances. And she did it with little to no support from other family members. Boyed by her Catholic faith and the resiliency of her rural upbringing this woman made the best of numerous life-changing events in her life.

But, of course, she came from farmer stock. Much like the woman I eventually married. Beneath that façade of modesty was one tough, hard-working, and determined woman. With little more than her own mental smarts and street-learned determination she made her way through a hard and ever-changing world…with two kids under tow and no husband at her side.

I look back at these pictures of myself now and see them quite differently than I have in the past.

My Jack Kerouac look

Just Faking

Another Kerouac imitation

I used to see a scared kid unsure of himself with no father or father figure to guide him along. Now I see a kid heavily influenced by the work ethic and penny-wise attitudes of his Mother. She started working at age three by cleaning out the chicken coop. I started working in seventh grade with my first paper route.

 I used to see a teenager desperate to find love and affection and someone to be close to. Now I see an ordinary kid just like every other kid I knew who was searching for love…only I didn’t know it at the time.

I used to see kid so proud of his ROTC training and the Lieutenants bars pinned on his shoulders even if it was only in high school. Now I see a kid who got the message early on that education was everything and he HAD to pass that on to his own children and grandchildren.

I used to see a young man in his hippie beads trying to express himself with a Mother who never quite understood. Now I see that same young man in his hippie beads and understand what she was smiling about.  I think I’d be smiling right there alongside her now.

Mom & Step-Dad Erwin

I’ve never said it before, Mom, but you did good. With little help and lacking any formal education, you managed to pull off what a lot of other married women and single mothers weren’t able to do.

You built your home with your own hands; made sure your kids got a good Catholic education and raised them both to do well. You even managed to finally find the joy of love later on in life. And near and dear to your heart, you were loved by your grandchildren who still treasure their memories of you long after you left for that Novena in the sky.

I’m sorry I wasn’t able to see the whole picture when I was growing up there alongside you. It was cloudy and vapid back then…and it’s taken a long time for me to put that puzzle together.

I should have told you how very proud I was to have you as my Mother.

I’ve never said that to you before.

But I’m saying it now.

Women Alone at Sixty

For many women it’s a scary yet inevitable next phase in their lives…being alone in old age.

I was reminded of this occurrence when my father-in-law died recently and my mother-in-law found herself a widow at age 87. I’ve also noticed at several social gatherings recently an increase in the number of women who are leading single lives for a variety of reasons. 

Some women have never been married. Others have lost their spouse due to illness or old age. Then there are some women who finally face reality and take the step they’ve been pondering for a long time. They divorce their husbands with whom they’ve fallen out of love…usually a long time ago. More rare, but also happening, are the couples who split apart because one of them has found someone else.

In 1990, one in ten divorces occurred among couples over the age of 50. By 2010, that rate had jumped to one in four divorces. The gray divorce rate had more than doubled and, unfortunately, seems to be growing.

Divorce can have a devastating effect on a woman’s financial stability during her retirement years. On average, a woman’s income drops forty-one percent after a divorce as compared to a man’s drop of twenty-two percent.  Health coverage opens up a whole new can of worms as does the question of Social Security, shared real estate and debt.

In the Twin Cities, there is now a new full day workshop of encouragement, inspiration and empowerment for women who are divorced, getting divorced or thinking about it. They call themselves divorcing divas. 

 I grew up in a single parent household. My father died when I was six. My mother never mentioned him after that. There were no pictures or memorabilia of him around the house as we were growing up. It was as if he never existed.

Then as my sister and I grew older and spent less time at home, my mother actually ventured out and began going to communal dance halls with other widows and singles. It was there that she met my future stepfather. 

I was too old to have a new father in my life. Fortunately, Irwin understood that and never tried to be anything other than what he was…an 80 year old man thrilled to find someone to share the rest of his life with. Hildegarde’s two adult children were a pleasant add-on and he became a welcome member of our family. 

My mother never admitted she was in love. I think the concept of falling in love at her age scared her to death. So she always had to explain to me that she married Irwin for companionship. Whether that was true or not, I know the man loved my mother and stayed her loyal companion until he died at age 104.

They had a hard time with the modern role of grand parenting. There was always so much to do with their very busy schedule of travel, dance, cards and social gatherings.

Of course, back then I was too full of myself and my own issues to pay much attention to the joy my mother and Irwin had found with one another.

In retrospect, I admire my mother’s willingness to venture out, even as a single woman, to those dance halls and church basements full of card-players. She didn’t let her lack of an education or limited social skills stop her from meeting new friends. She kept busy all of the time. Since then, I’ve thought about other women in their sixties and seventies who haven’t let age or monetary constraints stop them from ‘at least trying.’ 

Although being alone as you grow older can be a scary proposition, I’ve found that the women I know in that situation are strong, resilient folks who aren’t afraid to reach out and find friendship, companionship and perhaps even someone else to share life with.

TheHuffington Post recently posted 23 things every woman should stop doing. Several are quite pertinent to those women who find themselves in that new gray-lined category called seniors or as our generation likes to refer to itself as refired instead of retired and into second or third careers. In Canada they like to call themselves zoomers.

Stop Apologizing 
There is no need to qualify everything you do. Own your preferences and decisions.

Fearing being alone 
There are certain things you have control over and others you don’t. Finding a life partner is one of those you can’t control. Shirley MacLaine once said: “The most profound relationship we’ll ever have is the one with ourselves.”

Being in a relationship for the sake of having a relationship 
Nothing good comes from tying yourself to a person who isn’t right for you simply because you need to couple up.

Setting deadlines for major life vents 
Enjoy the uncertainty of life because there is very little you can actually accurately plan for. Life just doesn’t work that way.

I would add one of my own, ‘going toxic.’ 
Stop taking on a negative, pessimistic attitude toward life in general. Life’s a bitch some times. Get over it. Find the good in others and your own life. If it isn’t there, create it!

Older women are more experienced in the ways of the world. They can more readily see beyond the popular notions and self-deprecating self-inflicted wounds of their younger counter-parts and focus on the truth of life. And for every smart, well-coiffed, attractive woman over fifty, there are just as many handsome women whose scars of a life well-lived make her even more attractive to those guys ‘who get it.’

When I see women like that and I expect I’ll be seeing more of them in the future, I don’t feel sadness or regret for them. What I see are the possibilities of new relationships, new experiences, time with children and grandchildren, more friends and a whole wide world just waiting for the wisdom of many years that these women have garnered and earned. What I see is the resiliency of women in general. More so than men, I’m confident they’ll get what they want out of life.

Much as it is kind of a cheesy song, ‘’I am Woman’ does encapsulate the strength and fortitude of that stronger, smarter, more adaptive better half of the species, single or married. They’ve survived a million years and will continue to do so into the foreseeable future. Most of the women I know have certainly done just that.