Growing Old Between the Ears

Ethel said it best in my play ‘The Last Sentinel.’ She and a group of women are talking about the aging process. There are aging bodies, sore muscles and lapsed memories but the worst, Ethel declares, is ‘growing old between the ears.’

I wrote that play several years ago and I’m three plays past it now. But my observations remain as keen today as they were back then. When I listen to some of my old classmates, past acquaintances and a few neighbors I realize that we collectively live in two very different worlds. They seem to have clung to their old surroundings like some sort of security blanket. New, different, changed, and improved are foreign ideas and threatening concepts to them.

Ethel was talking about old people in a nursing home but the same philosophy holds true for other generations as well.

Simply by chance and without even trying, I’ve come across a number of older gentlemen who have decided that they are going to clear-cut their own pathway to the future and it doesn’t include following their doctor’s advice. For whatever reason, they’ve decided to show their independence and stubbornness against medical facts. My observation is that this trail blazing into medical fields unknown doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. But they seem intent on forging their own way into their physical future. I’ve been there on the sidelines before watching relatives go through the same self-directed dance with the devil. The outcome isn’t always very pleasant.

Aging seems to hit men particularly hard. Perhaps it was the machismo culture many of us were exposed to growing up. Sports in school, the military, too many John Wayne movies, Playboy magazine and other cultural phenomena that all conspired to paint a picture of muscle and brawn, girls and gold, sex and satisfaction; all without the harsh reality of the real world hovering in the background.

Women seem much better equipped to cope with the aging process. They have friends and clubs and social engagements that lesson or share the burden of getting old.

According to aging expert Helen Kivnick, Ph.D., a psychologist at the University of Minnesota, the experience of later life is determined partly by biology, partly by history and partly by society and culture. Baby boomers are constantly bombarded by anti-aging propaganda. From wrinkle creams to collagen injections to cosmetic surgery, we are encouraged, cajoled and intimidated into believing that with the right attitude and pocket book we can live forever or at the very least look like we are going to live forever. Those afro-mentioned old men seem to believe that their stubborn attitude will carry them through – to what – I don’t know.

In truth, the worst part of getting older appears to be ageism – the intolerant attitudes of some younger people toward seniors. So how to beat it? I think the only answer lies between your ears. It’s your attitude and aptitude to take on new challenges, create new pathways into areas you find interesting and finally it’s listening to your doctor when he tells you to act your age but have fun in the process.

The best old age elixir is to keep moving in whatever direction suits you as long as it contributes to your physical and mental health. It’s keeping friends and family close and negative folks far away. It’s celebrating life itself on a daily basis.

Old Before Their Time

At my 50^th reunion, I was struck by the fact that some of my old classmates had changed a lot physically while others looked pretty much the same as they did in back in high school. That, I understood, was just the luck of the draw, parental genes passed down and perhaps a chosen lifestyle that focused on healthy living.

After an absence of fifty years that room was filled with strangers with whom I had little to nothing in common except the same graduation date. Of course, over the evening hours, we shared our life’s war stories, pictures of our grandkids, and fragmented and sometimes fractured memories of time spent in the classroom or on the drill field.

Aside from changes in their physical looks many of my classmates remained the same in their personality, outlook, and mindset. Their political views were probably a lot more defined. Fifty years had spelled out a lifetime of career choices, kids, grandkids, love found and lost and our new shared reality of growing old.

  

What I wasn’t able to access in that brief well-orchestrated evening was how mentally old some of my classmates had grown. We were all roughly 68 or 69 years old…chronologically. But I was curious how old they had grown in their outlook on life. Over the evening and numerous conversations, I began to ask myself ‘what happened to some of those mindsets that they had calcified so rapidly?’

At some point all of us face that long slow slide toward the end. Aches and pains, memory loss, lack of interest in…and lower levels of tolerance are all part of the game of life. But from my observation, some of those folks seemed to be aging much faster than others.

For some older folks, it’s the fear of dying and what lies beyond the funeral hymns. For others it might be unhappiness in their past career or their goals and aspirations not being met. Growing old before one’s time has nothing to do with income levels, life experiences, upbring or a myriad of other cultural, religious or family events. So what is it that causes some folks to shut down on life and only focus on the negative and mundane?

“Men especially seem to be susceptible to this mindset. For grumpy old men, there is no such thing as the golden years. While older women enjoy strong social ties with friends, family and their local communities, some men tend to turn inwards.

Masculinity continues to cloud these men’s experiences and activities in later life. Most men regard women as the keepers of friendships and contacts. Left alone to their own devices, many of those same men fall into the routine trap of seeking solace among like-minded souls.1

I’ve waxed philosophically before (perhaps too often) about the ‘old men in the coffee shop.’ You can find them every morning someplace in town, gathered around the table and rehashing world events. It’s Monday morning quarterbacking, complaining about politics, the government, the weather, social services, youth, money, rich people and anyone not white or speaking English.

 ‘Aging successfully must include good mental health which is very much interconnected with physical health. The aging process itself does not normally cause sudden intellectual or emotional changes. ‘Coping with all the changes of aging can be difficult, but it can be done in a healthy way. The keys to coping include your long-term lifestyle, your ability to expect and plan for change, the strength of your relationships with family and friends, and your willingness to stay interested in and involved with life.”2

So how does one keep an upbeat and yet realistic outlook on life? Certainly I’m no expert. I’m still muddling my way through daily writing, exercise, friendships, travels and new avenues to explore. But I think I’ve gleamed a bit of wisdom from my own experiences and observing those of others.

First, I think you have to accept reality. You’re not as strong, youthful or resilient as you once were. That doesn’t mean you can’t be as alive as the next person. Mindset is everything. Sometimes life sucks…plain and simple. It isn’t always fair or equitable or works out right. Bad things happen to good people and sometimes those others get away from any discomfort in their lives. ‘So be it.’ Move on with your life.

Moving your bones on a daily basis and jump-starting your mind at the same time can only help. Stay current on local and national affairs and don’t compare it to ‘the good old days.’ Be open to change. Plant your feet firmly in today but still let your mind return to those days of yesteryear when all women were beautiful, men were strong and children looked up to their heroes.

As Leonard Cohen said: “There are heroes in the seaweed.”

We just have to find them there.

Points taken from an article entitled: 

1. “Men Growing Old Grumpily” by Steve Dought, Daily Mail.

2.  HealthGuide.org